


You can't lay in two beds

by BitterBuckyBeLittlesMe



Category: Captain America, The Avengers
Genre: Angst, F/M, Female Reader, Humor, Hurt, Hurt!Steve, Reader Insert, The Avengers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-07 15:59:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7720876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterBuckyBeLittlesMe/pseuds/BitterBuckyBeLittlesMe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader is with Steve who is undeniably in love with her but when the reader meets Bucky for the first time things begin to change and the reader finds herself in a troubling situation that will hurt everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Discalimer: i own nothing, read at your own risk.
> 
>  
> 
> This story is not beta'd, all mistakes are my own. If you see any feel free to point them out and i will get on fixing them.
> 
> Also warning!: this chapter has blood and injury in it just in case that makes anyone uncomfortable. Its not terribly graphic but i thought id still give out a warning.
> 
>  
> 
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> 
> Reviews are love.

Steve loved you, he loved you with his whole heart without even trying and that's what you admired most about him. He was always so willing to give himself to people.

That's what made what you were doing behind his back make you feel so guilty. 

You weren't part of the avengers team but you were family to them because of Steve and you were welcome anytime. Steve wanted you to move into the tower with him, so sure of you that he had already asked the team what they thought of it. The reply was unanimous. They loved you.

You met Bucky at the tower, steve was gone on a mission and Bucky offered to keep you company. He hid his metal arm from you, smiling at you sheepishly. You remember that day like it was yesterday.

“I'll keep you company if you want.” Bucky said, climbing out of the shadows. 

Clint had went to spar with Natasha and Bruce was in his lab away from the people of course. Steve had taken Thor with him for his mission, with a quick kiss goodbye on your forehead he left with Thor. Which left you to yourself, or so you had thought.

“Bucky right?” You said, sitting at the bar all alone. 

You didn't make it a habit to drink but when Steve was gone you always worried and when you worried you tended to drink to try and not worry. It was pathetic.

He sat down beside you, on the side that hid his metal arm from your view. He looked at you knowingly. They all knew you at the tower but Bucky was a newcomer and you hadn't exactly been introduced to him formally. Steve had mentioned his arrival a few times and spoke of fond childhood memories but never made an attempt to introduce his lifelong pal to his girlfriend.

“Yeah, you remembered.” 

“Hard not to.”

He looked at you confused, waiting for an explanation.

You cut yourself off before your stupid mouth got you in trouble. Of course it was hard to forget him. His eyes always looked into you and not through you, he always made it a big deal to pay attention to you even though he thought you hadn't noticed. But oh did you notice him in the shadows of the tower, watching you and studying you. 

It was fair to say you had been watching him too just not so often. You had noticed his lips first, the way that they curved, how soft and pink they were. You wanted to feel them and you knew that was dangerous.

“Steve, he talks about you all the time. I feel like i know you already.”

“Does he? I thought he'd want to keep you in the dark.”

“Why would he want to do that?”

“Because the less you know the safer you are.”

He looked at you with those clear blue eyes of his and put his hand on yours, removing the glass you had been holding. He pursed his lips and looked down at your hand in his. You had formally just met and for him to touch you like that with no sense of fear sent a jolt of electricity through you. 

“Maybe I don't want to be safe. Tell me,Bucky, how safe is it for me to even be talking to you.”

“Not very, but I couldn't leave you here alone. Steve never introduced us though he had good reason.”

“And that reason was?”

“I wasn't stable.”

You knit your brows in confusion. You had no idea what he meant and he smiled at you because he knew that. 

“But you're stable now, otherwise you wouldn't have talked to me. You used to watch me, i saw you.”

“I did watch you Y/N.” He whispered, sliding his hand away from yours.

You looked up from your now empty hand and tried to read him. He was giving nothing away, he was all mystery and danger. Everything Steve wasn't.

“Why were you watching me?” You licked your lips in anticipation to his response. You two were playing a game, treading a thin line that your mind told you not to cross.

“Because you're breathtaking. Especially in the morning when you first wake up. When you walk into the tower kitchen half asleep, your hair in a bun and a yawn on your lips while you make yourself green tea with two sugar cubes. You always use my cup but you don't know that it's mine, well you didn't, and Steve doesn't correct you because he knows I don't mind.”

He looks at you, you two are sitting so close and you want to blame the alcohol for the way you're staring at his lips but you know you can't. 

“I watch you because there's something about me that can't let it go. I'm seeing your eyes up close for the first time . . . . They're (eye color) . . . . They're beautiful.”

He closed the distance between the two of you and you melted against him. You were way past coherent thoughts as his tongue traveled the shape of your bottom lip, asking for access that you granted him.

You knew you tasted of strong liquor but he tasted like smoke and honey. He tasted like everything you had been craving and that made you more passionate. You felt him smile against your lips at your sudden burst of enthusiasm. You were drunk off the taste of him.

You heard someone clear their throat and looked over to see Tony. You separated yourself from Bucky who didn't look away from you.

You put on your best smile and acknowledged Tony's presence.

“Hey, Tony!”

“Save it sister, i saw you two sucking face! I'm not gonna tell Capsicle this time because you look completely shit-faced Y/N, plus I've done the same thing.”

“You've made out with Bucky too!”

Tony flipped you off and opened the fridge door, Bucky laughed at your wit.

“He wishes.”

“Now what made you so talkative frosty.” Tony whipped back, slamming down a yogurt onto the counter.

Bucky looked back to you and put his hand on your back comfortingly. “It looks like you've got someone else to keep you company, I'll talk to you later okay?”

“If what you guys were doing is called ‘keep you company’ count me in!” Tony wiggled his eyebrows and shot finger guns at you, you rolled your eyes and said goodnight to Bucky.

“Why do you have to be such an ass.”

“That's what she said.” Tony said, pointing his spoon at you, accidentally flicking yogurt in your direction.

“Can you be serious for five minutes?”

“Yes, but your five minutes started about thirty seconds ago so you better get to what you're wanting me to be serious about.”

You leveled your gaze with his, making sure he was paying attention. He nodded for you to hurry up.

“You can't tell him. I didn't even mean to-it just-”

Tony held up his hands, flicking yogurt everywhere once again and shook his head.

“I won't, it's none of my business. But from my experience when someone says ‘I didn't even mean to,or, i just.’ Usually means they did mean to, trust me.”

“I'm shocked, when isn't something Mr. Stark's business.”

“You're lucky you still have two minutes of seriousness left missy!”

“Oooh, i'm sooo scared!” You said, fake shaking in your chair. He glowered at you playfully and sat his spoon in the cup of yogurt.

“That's it miss face sucker!”

He leaped over the counter and knocked you both onto the wood floor, you struggled as best you could trying to get away from him but soon he had you pinned onto the ground straddling you, hands above your head.

“Miss face sucker, that's the best you've got?” You laughed out.

“Tell me you're scared of me and I'll let you up.”

“Never!”

“Come on, it's like saying ‘uncle’ but it appeases me.”

“Shove off, Tony! I'm not scared of you!”

He smirked down at you and took both of your hands in one of his so his other could be free.

“You shouldn't have said that. Wanna know why?”

“Fine, I'll bite. Why?”

“Word's gotten around that you're ticklish.”

He started tickling you without waiting for a response, you were trying hard not to give him satisfaction that he was right but you couldn't help but laugh and twist and turn. 

Tears started to form in your eyes because of how hard you were laughing as you pleaded him to stop. He stopped and held you still with his thighs.

“I'll stop if you say ‘Tony stark is the dreamiest man I've ever laid my eyes on, any girl would be lucky to be with such a handsome young man like him and i'm so jealous of the other women he chooses over me’.”

“What happened to ‘tell you i'm scared of you?!”

He laughed and continued tickling you, you couldn't take it anymore.

“Fine! Fine, Tony, i give!” You managed to get out between the anslaughter.

“Say it Y/N.” Tony said, eyeing you fiercely. He always had to win no matter what it was about. Screw him.

“Get off of her Tony.” Steve said exasperated.

“Damn it! Foiled again by Capsicle! You need to lighten up Steve, she deserved this one.”

Tony got off of you and held out a hand to help you up which you took. He gave you a look that said ‘this isn't over’ and walked out of the room calling out orders to Jarvis.

Steve smiled at you fondly with his kind eyes and you had to look away. Guilt suddenly flushed through you but you held it back at the top of your throat. 

“Hey, you.” He said with a grin, making his way over to you and bringing you into a hug. He was dirty and smelled of sweat badly but you hugged him back, burying your face into him, stifling a sob from your guilt.

“Hey, is everything okay, Y/N?”

“Yeah, i'm just glad you made it back in one piece. I always worry.”

He hugged you tighter, he cared too much for his own good.

“I'm fine, darling. Nothing to worry about, see?”

He backed up and spun around so you could get a full look at the extent of the damages. Just a few scrapes, nothing to worry over. 

He waited for your response, trying to act nonchalant.

“I know, I'm sorry.”

He tilted your chin up to look him in the eyes, he held sincerity in his eyes, so truthful you wanted to look away. “Don't be sorry for the way you feel.”

 

You didn't tell him what happened between you and Bucky, swearing to yourself it wouldn't happen again.

You were feeling down after what had happened and he thought it was because of him. He hugged you tight and wiped away your tears. You had no right to let him be like this to you. You deserved his anger and pain, not this forgiveness and love he threw at you.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been five months since Steve has talked to Bucky. It's been five hours since you have. 

You just couldn't quit him. You couldn't keep your promise that you'd stay away from him. The worst part was that Steve didn't even question the way you acted when Bucky was brought up.

Bucky and Steve had had a fight over something neither one of them would fill you in on. All you knew was that they were mad at each other.

“Hey, darling, I've got something i need to go do. Just a small job.”

You pushed your tea away from you on the table, sitting back crossing your arms. He walked up, apologetically and ran his fingers through your hair.

“I'll be back in no time.”

“But you promised today was our day.”

“Things come up honey. We'll have our day soon.”

You noticed how he didn't say ‘tomorrow’. That made you squint your eyes and push his hand away.

“How ‘small’ is this job anyway?”

“Y/N, it's just a few days.”

“Define ‘a few days’.”

“Five days at the most.”

You stood up, angry. You knew what you had signed up for when you had said yes to being his girlfriend but it just wasn't fair. How did he expect to keep you when he- no. You stopped that thought cold. It wasn't his fault. But you were still mad about how many days he was going to be gone so you combined that with the anger you felt towards yourself and let him have it. 

“Five days! Five days! You have got to be kidding me, Steve! Last time it was only a week, the time before that it was ‘only’ a month!”

 

“Y/N . .”

 

He went to grab your arm but you swung it out of his reach, knocking over your mug of tea. You heard it shatter across the floor while Steve stayed silent. You took one last look at him before you darted off to your room. 

The look he had had on his face was almost enough to make you apologize. Hell, you should've because he didn't deserve that anger but Steve being who he was believed that he did. He believed he let you down and you were selfish enough to let him.

 

You were sobbing into your pillow, wanting to reach for your phone and dial the number to the person you always went to for support now. But you held back and kept crying. 

Steve knocked on the door, you made no attempt to let him in. He knocked again and then sighed, you heard him lean against the door and he spoke softly.

“Y/N, I'm sorry. If there were anyway i could get out of this i would but innocent people are dying and they need me.”

I need you. You thought but didn't voice as you wrapped the pillow around your head tighter in an attempt to drown him out. You were being a baby and he was letting you.

“I don't want to leave with you angry at me, please. . . . Okay, if you won't come out now that's fine, just, when i leave i'm going to be dropping you off at the tower so Clint can keep an eye on you.”

The tower, he was going to drop you off there. Was he going to confront Bucky? Was he going to make peace with him? He was dropping you off with Clint of all people.

“Clint can come get me here, he knows where i live.”

“Y/N, open the door. Please?” Steve’s voice was quiet and sad and that didn't sit right with you. He sounded like that because of you.

You cut off your tears the best you could manage and got up to open the door, your fingers paused on the lock. You breathed in a deep breath and turned the lock, opening the door a crack, looking for him.

He sighed in relief and opened up the door fully, pulling you into his arms. You were too short to look past him so you turned your head sideways and stared at the wall. He was leaving for five days and you loved him more than you had loved anyone since - stop. You had to stop yourself. 

You and Bucky weren't on the same level as you and Steve but there was something effortless about the way you and Bucky fit together. You felt so guilty thinking about him while in Steve’s arms.

“I'm going to drop you off with Clint okay?”

“Why can't he just come here and get me?”

“Because i also need to talk to someone.”

“Is it Bucky?”

“Yes.”

He unconsciously held onto you tighter. He loved you so much.

“Steve, I'm sure it's probably nothing. You're not the only one who's busy after all.”

“He needs to know where i stand.”

“I told you already, whatever it was you two fought over it's probably long forgotten. You know he's been trying to call you and he's left you messages. You had plenty of time to talk to him, not in front of the entire tower.”

“Still . . . .”

“Listen, hun, you're going to do a job and whatever response he gives you, you don't need any distractions from what you need to do. If you want to talk to him so bad wait until you get back.”

“Okay, yeah, you're right, darling. Do you think you'll be okay there?”

“Of course, why wouldn't i be?”

“I just don't want you getting hurt.”

“I won't, and it won't be the end of the world if Bucky talks to me. Like i said, I think things are water under the bridge between the two of you, I'm sure he's wondering why you've never introduced me to him of all people.”

“Okay. Okay, you're right.”

He finally let go of you but put his hand on your face, smiling at you. He was always smiling at you like you were his world. You smiled back as convincingly as you could and it was obviously enough for him because he squeezed your shoulder and told you to go pack. 

He had gone to a secure location with Tony to converse about plans which you were confused by because you thought the tower itself was secure enough. He left you to your own devices so you started packing. You unlocked your phone and dialed the familiar number. He answered on the first ring.

“Hello, James.”

“Hello."

"It's me. It's Y/N."

“Ah, what's up?”

“Steve’s going on another job . . . . He misses you, i can tell.”

“Hmm, how long this time sweetheart? If he misses me so much why doesn't he stop by and say hi?”

“Five days at the least he said. And maybe because he's still mad about that fight you two had, not to mention he's with Tony right now.”

“Five days isn't too long, what will you be doing then? He could just call me and resolve the whole thing. What, you think Tony is going to tattle on you?”

“Well im going to be spending my time at the tower under the supervision of Clint. I'm not worried about Tony, im sure he's been drunk so many times after that he doesn't remember a thing and you're right.”

“So you need a babysitter now Y/N? If he were me I'd-”

“He's not you though, James. . . .”

“You miss me.”

“What?”

“I can hear it in your voice, you get all whiney.”

“I do not!”

“Yes, you do sweetheart. I would know, i talk to you more than i see you.”

“Yeah, well, Clint is going to have me on lockdown so-"

“So a little trouble is always fun.”

“Hush.”

You knew he was smirking because he knew you were blushing. You threw the last of your items you wanted to take with you into your suitcase and sat on top of it to zip it up which was still not working for you, you'd have to get Steve to do it.

“I'll see you later on today, doll.”

“That reminds me.”

“Yes?”

“Steve wanted to confront you today, but i talked him into confronting you when he gets back from the job.”

“Hmm, I suppose it's about time for that.”

“He's gonna want a serious lengthy answer from you and what if something slips? What if you're so in the moment you tell him what's been going on between us, he's gonna want to know why you betrayed him.”

“You're not in love with him. I wasn't the one to betray him first, I hardly knew you then, just knew you and Him Had hung out. You were with him, you had all the knowledge, but now that i know i still haven't stopped and i guess I'll have to answer for that but you haven't stopped either.”

That stopped you cold. No one had ever accused you of not being in love with Steve. Of course you loved Steve, you loved him with everything you had but were you in love with him.

“You don't know that. I never-”

“Shhh, I didn't say that to upset you, love. Just simple facts. I'd like you to be there when he talks to me though.”

“James, i-”

“You gotta go before He gets back.”

“Okay . . . .La revedere.”

He always ended the conversations and you let him. It was just how you two worked even when you didn't want to work that way.

“Pa pa, dragoste.” He whispered into the receiver before hanging up.

He knew you loved when he said that, instead of just saying goodbye in Romanian as you did. It sounded so sweet rolling off his tongue and into the air.

You threw yourself back onto your suitcase which was a big mistake what with the way it hit into your back, you'd have a bruise there for sure. 

You made your way to the kitchen, forgetting you had broken the cup and stepped back. It was gone, looked like Steve had cleaned it up before he left. He deserved so much better. 

You leaned against the wall, folding your arms and looked at the place where the cup had shattered. You frowned. You should've cleaned it up, it was your mess, it was all your mess and you didn't deserve Steve.

You grabbed a mop and started cleaning the already clean linoleum as an effort to metaphorically say ‘see! Im cleaning up my messes!’ Even though you weren't and Steve was paying the price.

“Goddammit!” You yelled as you heard the mops handle break the window. You stepped away from the shards with your bare feet but slipped forward, your arms landing hard into the glass, palms splayed out to catch your fall. You winced at the pain and got up off the floor. It wasn't too bad but blood was running down your arms. 

Steve was busy and the next other person you thought to call for help was Bucky but you knew that was a bad idea so Nat was next.

Your blood was dripping all over the floor and across the counter when you reached for your home phone. You had to dial the number a few times because of how slippery your blood was, god this looked so bad. 

You walked around the glass while the phone was ringing, looking for a hand towel to slow the bleeding on your left arm that was more severely injured with a long slice down your arm. Shit.

 

“Hello.”

“Oh my god, Nat, it's me, Y/N. I need help.”

“What's wrong, are you okay?”

“I fell in my kitchen and got cut with some glass, my arms mostly.”

“On my way, I'll be there in a few minutes. Find some towels to stop the bleeding, I'll take you to Bruce.”

 

She hung up on you, probably going at full speed. She was your best friend after all.

You sat in the chair in your kitchen with a towel wrapped around the worst of it, feeling a bit light headed due to the blood loss. 

Nat let herself in and her eyes had gone wide when she had seen all the blood everywhere with you sitting in the center of the mess half out of it. She hauled you up quickly and ran you to her car. 

The next thing you knew, you were waking up in a hospital bed with Bruce by your side reading papers.

“Bruce?”

“Hello Y/N. How are you feeling?”

“My head hurts.”

“I'm sure it does. I had to do a little blood transfusion. When you told Natasha that you had fallen and got cut, she didn't think it was going to be as bad as what she walked in on.”

“Neither did i.”

“You should've called 911.”

“Sorry.”

He smiled softly, looking back to his papers. “Just remember that for next time.”

“Hey, we don't want a next time,” Nat chimed in, walking in from around the corner and crossing her arms. “I'm glad you're okay. I've been trying to talk Steve into letting me train you.”

Bruce put his hands in the air, palms up, shaking his head. “Nope, I will not be a part of this discussion behind steve’s back."

Nat laughed and patted him on the back as he left. She took his spot in the chair beside your bed.

“So.”

“So what, Nat?”

“You wanna train or not?”

“duh, of course i do.”

“We'll just have to wait for you to heal first.”

“Right, damn,” you pulled onto the tubes that stuck out of your arm, testing them, they didn't budge. “Who else knows i'm here?”

“Just you, me, Bruce, and Bucky. Bucky came down here to speak to Bruce and walked in on the ‘save your life’ moment Bruce was in. I shoo’d him out pretty quickly though. He looked like he had seen a ghost.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it's just, Steve’s still at that secure location with Tony right?”

“Yup, should be back soon though. We'll tell him when he gets here. I'm gonna let you rest, try to get some sleep okay.”

“Okay.”

You drifted off fast to your surprise. 

***********

“How is she doing?” Tony asked conversationally.

Steve shrugged, flipping through blueprints of the building they're going to infiltrate. 

“She's good. Kinda upset lately. It's all my fault.”

“Whoa pal, I didn't sign up to be doctor Phil, buttt i am nosey so tell me, what is she upset about and why is it your fault?”

“If you don't want to hear it-”

“Steve, just tell me. This is a bonding moment for us.” Tony tried to stifle his laugh.

“Just forget it.”

“ aw don't be that way dear.”

Steve glared at Tony, Tony looked back innocently and ruffled Steve’s hair.

“I'm kidding, if its bothering you go ahead and spill it.”

“She's unhappy. I can feel it. I think she's unhappy with me, not just because i leave her and break promises all the time for my job but because I'm not good for her anymore. She smiles back at me and tells me she loves me too but it's so small and barely there. Sometimes I'll look at her and she'll be looking off a million miles away and the expression on her face is beyond tragic. . . .”

“Wow. That was a lot more than i was expecting. Listen, Cap, i see the way she looks at you when you're not looking. I hate to say it but she loves you.”

“You hate to say it?”

“Of course, I'd rather she love me.”

“Tony.”

“Joke, just another joke. But seriously she loves you.”

“There's something wrong though.”

“Maybe you're just paranoid.”

“Probably.” Steve said, letting the conversation die.

Another hour and he and Tony were off. Tony dropped Steve off at your apartment. 

Steve had no idea what has happened there but when he walked in and saw the blood and glass he didn't know what to do. He was frantic, calling Tony who called the tower and got notice from Jarvis that you were safe there. Steve rushed over.


	3. Chapter 3

********

“Is she sleeping, is she okay!?”

“She's fine, Rogers. Bruce took the tubes out of her arm thirty minutes ago.”

You blinked a few times, listening to the two voices right outside of your room. It was Nat and Steve. 

“What happened? Did someone do this to her? I saw the mess at her apartment-”

“No, she had an accident. She had the mop out and the handle broke the glass, she slipped and cut her arms up really bad . . . . We should train her. Bucky would be really helpful in that area, i know he already asked you about it and it didn't go over well.”

“I should've been there for her. . . . I don't need the ‘i told you so’ from you now Romanoff but I don't think its the right time to train her, not with him.”

“Steve, she just about killed herself! On accident no less!”

You flinched at that. Natasha never would've said that to your face, she only said that to Steve to get him to respond to her the way she wanted. 

“You don't think i know that! I know but training is out of the question right now.”

“Fine, if you won't help I'll just get Clint and Bu-”

“I said no. If you do this behind my back consider our friendship over. Bucky already tried to persuade me and we haven't talked in months.”

There was no response. You knew Natasha was holding back her temper, the expression on her face probably holding it all for Steve to see. Natasha wasn't one for passiveness, she let you know exactly how she felt.

You heard her walk off, she was making a point with the sound of her footsteps. You could only imagine what Steve's face looked like.

That's what their fight had been about, it had been about you. Of course they would fight over something that should be your decision.

You closed your eyes when you heard him coming closer. You could sense his energy, he sat down in the chair beside you, the same one Bruce and Natasha had occupied before him. You felt his fingers on your forearm, tracing down the gauze on your arm then resting on your hand. He took yours into both of his and brought your hand up to kiss. 

He cared so much. You wish you hadn't scared him like this. It would make it that much harder for him to go do his job knowing you could do yourself in without any help. 

“Steve?”

“I'm here, darling. How are you feeling?”

“I'm okay, really. Just had a small accident.”

“It didn't look small.”

“I'm sorry.”

“You should have called me.”

“You were busy. I had Nat on speed dial anyway.”

“This was an emergency and it could have been so much worse.”

“But it wasn't, I'm okay.”

“Look at yourself!”

“It's hard not to! I spend all day with myself anyway!”

“Y/N. Don't.”

“Don't tell me what to do.”

“I am at a complete loss. What can i do to get you to just talk to me instead of arguing with me and being angry?”

“I am talking to you.”

He shook his head. You didn't have to wonder what he was thinking. Tears formed at the corner of your eyes. You refused to look at him when he looked so broken about you. You removed your hand from his and struggled to place your own hand under the blankets. 

He was at a loss at what else to do. He wanted to skip the mission and stay with you. He wanted to make sure nothing ever got to you again, even if it was you. He wanted to hold you and protect you but he felt like you didn't need that from him anymore. And he was right to feel that because whenever you had been down it was Bucky you turned to. 

It was Bucky whose face drained of color when he saw you on that hospital bed fearing the worst not just asking if you were okay and blaming himself. It was Bucky who couldn't sit by your side for fear of what the others might tell Steve. It was Bucky who couldn't voice how deeply he felt about you, not even to you because he was afraid that you wouldn't pick him. 

Steve was the one who was always right in front of you. You never had to reach far for him, he was there for everything and he had a right to be because he was yours and you were his. And maybe that's why you clung so hard to the idea of Bucky, because you had to fight for him and you'd never had to fight for Steve a day in your life. Maybe it was because you didn't have to tell yourself that you didn't love Steve like you had to about Bucky. Because Steve was always free on your lips and you had to hide Bucky like some ugly secret.

You didn't speak up, neither did he. You both just sat there in the silence. You had your head turned away from him letting the tears silently escape. He was looking at you with such a loss, he felt as if he were losing you. As if this break within you signified a break for both of you.

He leaned back in his chair and wiped his hand down his face, you weren't aware of the move, you didn't want to be. 

“I've got to go soon.” He stated quietly.

“So go.” You whispered back, not wanting him to hear the pain in your voice.

“Y/N, look at me.”

“Do i have to?”

“Yes, i have to leave in ten minutes and I'd like to see your face before i leave. Even if you've been crying.”

You turned to face him, a small pout on your lips. 

“There you are, darling,” he leaned forward, resting his hand on the railing of the bed. “Don't be mad that i have to go.”

“I'm upset, not mad.”

“I'm glad you're okay. I'll send someone by to clean up the mess at your apartment and grab your bags, hopefully nothing like that will happen again. I almost had a heart attack.”

“Steve Rogers, getting done in by a heart attack.”

“You're right, it could never happen . . . I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

“I'll be back in no time, i promise.”

You smiled at him, squeezing his hand before he bent down to kiss your forehead before he left. 

You were left there with your thoughts for maybe about five minutes. Being in the tower you hardly got any time alone. Clint had made his way in there offering you a bottle of water and some food you didn't recognize. You took the water but shook your head at the food. 

Clint threw the container to the side and kicked his feet back in the chair. You sat up drinking all the water in one go. You were beyond thirsty.

“So what do you want to do? I'd rather not stay down in the infirmary if that's okay with you.”

“Whatever you want to do, I'm up for anything.”

“Oh no you're not.” He said, eyeing your bad arm.

“It's four stitches, Clint. I just bleed a lot when I get cut.”

“Uh huh, sure. Bruce told me it was seven."

“Clint.”

“Y/N.” He said mimicking you.

“Asshole.”

“Asshole.”

“Clint! Stop!”

You swatted him from where you were at and he ducked and tumbled out of the chair landing on his feet.

“Nice try brat.”

“Brat!?”

“Okay, okay. Let's just go. We can get some real food, not that shit Tony gave me for you.”

“Deal.”

You hopped off the bed, somebody had put socks on your feet and changed you into sweatpants. You shrugged it off and ran along but of course Clint could catch you and he knew the tower better than you.

You both came tumbling into the 5th floors living room from the elevator. Nat was reading a magazine while Bruce was making coffee probably just to duck out as soon as it was done. Thor and Loki were playing chess.

You pushed Clint into the fridge and he laughed opening it, finding you something to eat. You looked up, bracing yourself on the counter, Bucky was sitting right in front of you on the stool, eating a salad. He dropped his fork and looked straight at you, his lips parting in an attempt to get air.

He took in your bandaged arms, his eyes scanning everything but he quickly looked away as not to bring attention to himself. He flicked his eyes up to you once more and you saw the burning need to ask you if you were okay in his blue orbs. 

You felt for him because he didn't even know what had happened to you. For all he knew someone had attacked you.

“Earth to Y/N!”

“What?”

“I asked you if you wanted pizza or lasagna or maybe order out?” Clint waved his hand in front of your face. You saw Bucky’s lips purse into a small line of worry before you turned away.

“Order out. Chinese.”

“What do you want then, pot stickers?”

“No. Just get me some rice and some orange chicken.”

“Okay, anyone else?”

Thor perked up at that and put in his order as did Nat. Bucky and Loki stayed silent.

You stayed on the opposite of Bucky, just in front of him. With the way he was looking at you when no one was paying attention you felt like crying. Your eyes started to tear up but quickly stopped when you thought you heard him whisper 'shhh' at you as soothingly as he could manage.

After eating everyone had went to do their own thing besides Loki and Clint and of course Bucky. You guessed Steve hadn't asked just one avenger to keep an eye on you though you hardly counted Loki as one.

You were lounged on the couch now with your head in Clint's lap, looking at the ceiling for some answers as to how you felt. Clint was having a full on discussion, more like a war, with Loki about how hard it was to be Hawkeye and how easy it was to just be born with internal powers. Everytime he moved excitedly at a rebuff he had, he jostled your head about. You were getting slightly annoyed. 

You decided to get up and head for the bathroom, notifying Clint of your plans. He didn't even nod in your direction. He was too enthralled in his argument with Loki. You rolled your eyes and set a steady pace to the bathroom. Where it was exactly you weren't sure.

You made it around a few corners before you started to feel a bit chilly, holding your arms together, curse this metal trash heap of a tower.

 

“Ma’am?”

“Jarvis?”

“Are you straying for something in particular?”

“The bathroom, please.”

“Two more doors down.”

“Thank you, Jarvis. You're a lifesaver!”

“Indeed i am.”

You had to laugh at that, of course Jarvis would say that. It only fit since his creator was Tony.

You found the bathroom easily after Jarvis’ input but you didn't really have to go to the bathroom. Instead you bore a hole into the mirror with the way you stared at yourself. You splashed water on your face multiple times, being careful of the bandages and gauze. 

 

You looked down for maybe three seconds and screamed when a hand flew around your mouth, someone pressing themselves close to you to hold you back. Your eyes opened wide but you quickly dropped back into the person's arms, calm. It was just Bucky.

He turned you around to face him and hugged you as close as he possibly could, burying his face in your hair. You hugged him back just as fiercely, tears slipping. You must've cried at least a dozen times just today.

You didn't want to let go of him, this was the type of hug that held so much pent up fear but also relief. This hug was so urgent and desperate that you didn't hesitate but to kiss back frantically when his lips touched yours. You felt his tears slide across your face and that made you want to hate him for caring about you.

He rested his forehead against yours, letting your breaths mingle between the two of you. His eyes were closed, trying to catch his breath.

He put you at arm's length, grasping your wrists and turning your arms around for a full view of what you had done. You looked away embarrassed when he looked up at you and you saw the hurt for you in his eyes.

“How did this happen? Natasha . . . . She wouldn't tell me. Said it was none of my business, said I probably didn't even care.” He whispered, sitting on the toilet, scrutinizing the floor matt.

“I fell, of all things.”

“I thought the worst the entire time and the worst part was i knew I wasn't allowed to.”

His hair was falling in his face, shadowing his eyes, his expression that hurt so much to look at. You sat on the floor in front of him, holding his hand. His hand that was so warm against your smaller cold one. His face was still wet from the tears, stopping at the corners of his perfect lips. You leaned forward and wiped them away with your thumbs.

“Of course you're allowed to, Bucky. It'd be a sick joke if you weren't.”

“It is a sick joke. You're not mine to care about. You're his. He gets to hug you in front of the others and express his concern wholeheartedly. I can't do that.”

“Please, don't be that way. You know why I can't just leave him.”

“Tell me, when he came in to visit you, did you wish it was me?”

“Bucky . . .”

“Answer me honestly Y/N.”

He hardly ever spoke your name, it was something he saved for when he really needed it because you knew it was something special to him. Because he shouldn't be able to say it the way he did, because you weren't his.

“Yes. But i wanted him there too.”

“I wish I could've been there. I almost fought them to see you.”

“You can't do things like that.”

“I know.”

“I'll talk to Steve, get him to make amends-”

“Then what? I'll be around to watch him with you?”

“I don't know what you want from me.”

“I want you. I want all of you to myself. I know it's selfish and I didn't love you first but it's not about that.”

“You love me?”

“I do. So much.”

A smile spread across your face to finally hear him say something like that. To label it as love and not just some fling or wasted cause because he was always more than that to you.

Your smile soon fell, you let go of his hand and sat there. You wanted to hate him for doing this to you, for pulling you in and keeping you warm. You wanted to hate him for the way he made you feel, for the way his lips felt against your own and the way his hands fit your body perfectly.

You wanted to hate him because nothing but hurt was going to come out of this. Especially for Steve. Steve who trusted you and loved you and gave up so much for you and introduced you to your now good friends the Avengers. Steve who stopped by your apartment just to bring you green tea and company, who smiled like the earth was at peace when he was with you.

But here you sat, in front of Bucky because all that Steve offered didn't satisfy you. You wanted to kick yourself in the face for being so you. You needed to stop thinking so hard about it and just do. You knew that was a pathetic cop out to justify your less than appropriate actions but it was true. You just wanted to live without fear of hurting someone. You knew that was a child's dream.

“I love you more than i have any right to.”

“you love me but we haven't even slept together yet.”

“I'm not a total monster, sweetheart. I wouldn't do something like that to him.”

“Steve and i barely sleep together, he-”

“As fascinating as that sounds, i think I'll pass on hearing about your love life.” He laughed, genuinely laughed and that made your heart skip a beat. 

“I do love you though, I don't have to sleep with you to know that.” He said.

He looked at you adoringly, wiping his hair out of his face to get a better look at you. He was memorizing you, you could tell with the way he stared at you so you smiled back, holding his hand once more. 

He cast his stare away after a few minutes and you went in for another hug, this one more comforting than frantic.

“I should get back before Clint has an aneurysm.”

“Good call.”

“I'll see you later then?”

“Just call me and you'll find me.”

“But-”

“Just call me, don't just try and find me you'll just look obvious.” He said, a small smile creeping onto his lips.

You rolled your eyes and started making your way back to the kitchen slash living room. You made it around three hallways and corners you remembered when loki popped up in front of you.


	4. Chapter 4

Evening Y/N.”

“What do you want, where's clint?”

“Clint is still arguing with my double i left him with about five minutes ago.”

“Why did you leave him with a double?”

“I didn't get orders from Steve to watch over you. I stayed to do so out of mere curiosity and oh was i rewarded.”

You looked at him quizzically. He knew. There was no way around the pure delight in his eyes. He knew and he was going to spill the beans, that bastard.

“Just say what you want to and get it over with.”

“Now, now, it's not good to rush the inevitable, dear. As i was saying, i was rewarded with the last few minutes of a conversation you just had with the one they call Bucky.”

“And?”

“And i wanted to give you a piece of advice, dear.” He said smirking at you. He had you and you knew it.

You were contemplating on asking him not to tell Steve but at the same time telling him not to tell Steve would probably be provoking him to tell Steve. You didn't want to come across as liar but you also didn't want to be terribly honest. If he had only heard the last few minutes then he had nothing on you.

“Okay, what is it then?”

“You can't lay in two beds and get away with it my dear, no matter the amount of love you tell yourself you feel for one or the other or both.”

You stood tall, squaring your shoulders, trying to not look as small as you actually were. 

“I don't know what you mean.”

“Don't play coy with the likes of me. It is not my place to do just by Steve. It is yours and though i care for him not in the least, i care for that Bucky even less so. By all means do as you please you harlot but be aware of what each action you take brings you. You may as well be prematurely digging your own grave.”

He was right. Damn him to hell for being right. At least he wasn't going to snitch which bought you time.

 

“The longer you play these foolish games the less time you will be granting yourself to take the noble action.”

“What would you know about noble action.”

“More than you'd ever know in your tired little miserable existence.” He quipped back, snapping his fingers.

When you looked around yourself you were back in the living room, Clint still trying to win his debate with Loki.

“Give it a rest Clint, you'll never win against a prince.”

“And that's why- hey! Whose side are you on!”

“The side that will get this debate over faster so i can go to bed.” You said, throwing yourself onto Clint’s lap, trying to act normal.

He smacked you on the upper arm but made no move to shove you off so you snuggled closer.

“Clintttttttt, im tiredddd!” You whined.

“Oh my god! It's only 11:00 p.m!”

“Please, c’mon. Just take me to bed.”

“If i take you to bed that means I'll have to stay there and go to bed too you wimp! Can't you tough out a few more hours?”

“Nope.”

He threw his hands up in the air and leaned back, a look of utter annoyance displayed across his face.

“Fine!- This isn't over Loki!”

He got up and grabbed you by the arm, the same way a parent would a misbehaving child, and walked you to the elevator. Loki smirked at you and waved goodbye, you didn't grace him with a response and instead let Clint pull you along.

When you were both in the elevator you tugged on your arm but he didn't let go.

“What exactly did Steve ask you to do?” You said, skeptically.

“Full detail.”

“Okay, what does ‘full detail’ entail, specifically?"

“It means i just adopted a very annoying child for at least five days, I'll kill myself if its more.”

“I’m not an annoying child, i'm (age), ya'know you could just take me to whatever room you're going to and then go on with your night, I don't need to be babysat.”

“Yeah we'll he's almost 100 so I'll be sure to let him know he's robbing the cradle. As for leaving you alone, I'm actually going to have to for about ten minutes. I have to help Nat with some surveillance measures at the top of the tower.”

The elevator doors opened to floor 8 and he pulled you along again, opening the second door on the left and letting you go.

“This is my room so don't trash the place, don't touch anything you're not supposed to either. You can take the bed and I'll just take the pull out on the couch. I'm going to head out now okay, i want no trouble from you, got it.”

You nodded and marveled at the fact that his bedroom was big enough to have a full sized sectional couch and a kitchen, a bathroom, and a gym not to mention a bedroom. It looked like he had the entire side of floor 8 to himself.

If living in the tower was going to be like this instead of your small one bedroom apartment you were considering saying yes to Steve's move in proposal.

You fell back onto the bed, it was perfect, way better than your lumpy mattress back at your place. You turned your head to the side and saw your luggage sitting there, you could finally get into your own clothes. You sighed in relief.

You picked out your pajamas and decided to change right there, clint was gone anyway. You grabbed your cell phone out of your pocket, you knew it was to soon and it was risky but you dialed his number anyway.

“James.”

“Why do you always call me that?” He said, humor in his tone.

“Well, it seems formal to me and it's just easier because if i was to say what they all call you it would be more obvious to them. And not a lot of people are able to call you James and get away with it.”

“Formal?”

“Out of everything i said you pick out formal?”

“It was the most out there one. The other things you said i agreed with.”

He breathed into the receiver, there was a comfortable silence between the two of you. He was waiting for a response, patient. He was always patient with you, only taking what you were willing to give him, never asking for more. 

“When can i see you again?” You asked, needy.

“Whenever you want. You know that.”

“No, i mean in front of the others. We could hang out in the morning over breakfast or play a board game.”

“I've never seen you play a board game before.”

“That's what we should do then.”

“Okay. Whatever you want sweetheart.”

You smiled. He was too good to you. You found yourself wanting to hate him again.

“James?”

“Yes?”

“I don't want things between us to end.”

He was silent for a while, you were afraid that you had upset him, that he might even say that he wanted things to end because it was all too much for him. You breathed softly, waiting for him to answer but not wanting him to for fear of what he might say. 

You had no right wanting to keep him around. He didn't belong to you and he so easily could belong to someone else if he wanted. You didn't want that.

“It's not up to me if they do or they don't.” He sounded far away. You wanted nothing more than to hold him and keep him safe from whatever he was feeling.

“I'm scared something is going to get between us.” You said, feeling your voice turn to the tone of desperation. It wasn't fair that you were doing this to him, forcing him to feel.

“What would come between us?”

It was on the tip of your tongue, it was probably on his as well but he wanted you to say it so you could feel it and know the weight you were putting on not only him but yourself as well. Steve.

“Don't make me say it out loud.”

“Okay. I won't.” He gave you an easy out.

“I'm sorry, i always do this.”

“It's okay. It's a hard situation to deal with.”

“He's your best friend.”

“He's your boyfriend Y/N. You come first to him.”

“James . .”

“Who comes first to you?”

“That's not fair!”

“You don't have to answer me. I was just asking.”

He was asking because he wanted you to think about it. He wanted to give you a challenge. That's one of the things you adored about him. That's one of the things that excited you about him.

“You always just ask.”

“Am i boring you?”

“Never, but i miss you.”

“I saw you an hour and half ago.”

“I know.”

“You miss him too.”

“Why don't you say his name?”

“Makes it too personal, if I don't say it i can pretend it's some stranger.”

“does that make it hurt any less?”

He didn't bother to answer you which was answer enough, you dropped your head back onto the back board making a light ‘thump’ against it.

“What are we doing, James?”

“Whatever you wanna do.”

“I don't know what i want to do.”

“You should tell him.” He said calmly. He was giving you comfort even though what he said was anything but that.

“How?”

“I can't help with that sweetheart.”

“Don't make me choose, please.”

“I won't, I won't even be mad if you choose to stay with him.”

“do we have to talk about this?”

“I think it's important we do.”

“The thing is, the less you think about it the easier it is.”

“Sometimes you need to think doll.”

His voice flowed through the receiver, you'd never get tired of hearing it. You didn't want there to come a day when you couldn't hear it. 

You looked down, playing with the string on your pajama shorts, holding the phone firmly. He was right, you needed to think and not thinking was just another way to excuse and justify your actions. You just didn't want to go too in depth and confess something major. You didn't want reality to find you.

“I wish i hated you.” You said softly, allowing him to hear you at least admit one thing.

“I know.” He said back simply, with no weight.

You slid down the bed so your head was on the pillows, looking up at the ugly ceiling. Tony really didn't think the design through when he built the damn place.

“It's time to go Y/N.”

“Okay. . . . I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Pa pa.” He said not confirming that you'd see him in the morning.

You giggled slightly. ‘Pa pa’. He was giving every part of him he could to you without it destroying him. He hated saying bye in Romanian at first, wouldn't say it at all until you voiced how close it made you feel to him because he was giving you something no one else could have from him. So he gave and gave and you didn't want to think about when the time would come that he wouldn't.

He was a man of few words and a lot would argue that what he gave you wasn't much. You knew for him it was a lot more than he was willing sometimes.

“Who were you talking to?” Clint asked suspiciously, walking in and setting his arrows down. He stood there with his hands on his hips like some annoyed mother.

“No one for you.” You said back playfully.

“Don't bullshit me, if something that wasn't supposed to happen on my watch happens on my watch-”

“Why wouldn't i be allowed to make a phone call?” You asked, sitting up and crossing your legs.

He looked you over, looking for any signs of weird behavior, watching your body language for any hints. He walked half circles around the bed, eyeing you.

“It was my grandma for crying out loud! On top of that im going to have a serious talk with Steve about the phone calls thing, that's a bit controlling, don't you think?”

“You know he just wants you safe.”

“Safe from who anyway? The tower is the safest place i could be, doesn't matter who i make a phone call to.”

“Don't get pissed off at me for doing my job.” He said, lounging back on the couch, stretching out.

“That didn't answer my question.”

“From anyone who is a threat. Just let me do my job.”

“How much is he paying you?”

“He's paying me in friendship.”

“So that's not a job, that's a favor.”

“Shut up.”

“I'm tired of being holed up in this place. I want to go out and do things, I don't want to have to be here and be scared of making a fucking phone call.”

“You can go places, just you'll have to go with me. We'll go wherever you want tomorrow, Princess.” He tried to hide the laugh that was emitting out of him.

 

He knew you hated it when he called you ‘princess’. He was an asshole and called you various pet names to get a rise out of you. Well not this time.

“It's a deal,honey.” You said, challenging him to say more.

“I can't believe i have to spend five days with you.” He mumbled, throwing his hands in the air and letting one arm sling across his face.

“I can't believe you told him you'd do this.”

“Hey, what was i supposed to do?! Tell him no? You're important to him. I'd feel like a traitor if i didnt.”

“Nat could've done it.”

“Nat passed.”

“What?”

“She passed, said she couldn't. She didn't want to get in the middle of things because she's biased towards both of you.”

“Oh and you're not?”

“Nope.”

“I call bullshit on that one.”

“Please.” He snorted.

“You are so annoying.”

“Ditto.”

You pulled at the blankets on the bed, feeling a bit cold. Clint always had is stupid vents open like some maniac.

Clint grabbed the tv remote and started flipping through channel after channel, trying to find something that didn't bore the hell out of him but you knew he wasn't so big on tv like Bruce was.

You looked down at the sheets and blankets and noticed how plain they were. Plain black on black, no patterns whatsoever. The walls of the room were a solid grey as was the carpet until you hit the wood flooring. The couch Clint was lying on was a beige color, nothing hinted of personal touch. It was all so impersonal down to the doors and the lamps, probably all the way down to his damn tooth brush.

“I'm hungry.”

“Go look in the fridge then dummy.” Clint said, not paying you too much attention. 

You sighed and got up, going to rummage through his stuff. You made your way to the kitchen, you felt your socks doing that slidey thing on the wood flooring but you resisted the urge to Slide about. Instead you opened the fridge and when you looked in you saw a bunch of things with sticky notes on them all sporting your name.

There was your favorite orange juice and yogurt and a few other things. You opened the freezer and same thing.

“What's all this?”

“What does it look like?”

“You know what i mean.”

“He gave me a list of your favorite things and told me to get them.”

“He shouldn't have.”

“That's what i told him.”

Of course Steve would do something like that, it was so Steve. It was something somebody else wouldn't think of doing, he was just different. It hurt your heart. You suddenly weren't hungry anymore and slammed the fridge shut, bracing yourself against the counter. 

Clint looked up from his channel surfing, raising his brow at you.

“What? You pissed because he thought about you?”

“No, i'm just not hungry anymore.”

“So you're not gonna eat any of that stuff and let it go to waste because he told me to get it for you?”

“You eat it if you're so worried about it going to waste.”

“What the hell is your problem? He goes out of his way for you and you piss all over it.”

“Why is it any of your business?!”

“He's my friend and he works his ass off not only on the job but for you and you don't give a shit.”

“Fuck off, Clint.”

“Oh give me a break you little shit. Don't get butt hurt at me for telling you the goddamn truth.”

“Fine.”

“Oh, here we go. Am i gonna get the silent treatment now?”

“No.”

“Just one word answers then, got it. I'll be sure to write this down in my log.” Clint said, using annoyed humor.

You didn't respond, instead you threw yourself on the bed and rolled over into the covers making yourself a giant suffocated burrito. You heard Clint still bitching at you and decided to ignore him for now. He'd get quiet soon enough. You had both had a long day.


	5. Chapter 5

You had slept maybe a few hours, tossing and turning listening to Clint’s obnoxious snores. He was still asleep luckily so you silently got up, making sure to make no noise on your way to the kitchen on the fifth floor.

You were still in your pajama bottoms and tank top, and fluffy bunny slippers on but you didn't care. 

When you got there you saw Bucky. He was sitting at the table, swirling his finger on the marble table, he wasn't paying to much attention. He had a coffee in front of him and a hand on his chin. He looked out of place in such a fancy kitchen. It just wasn't his style.

You cleared your throat to make yourself known and he looked up, a sad smile on his face. That concerned you and your brows knit together. You sat on the stool next to his and put a hand on his back, ready to listen to whatever he needed to say.

“Are you alright?” You asked calmly.

He smiled at you again, turning his head to face you. His hair was in a small bun and his eyes were watery, like he had been crying before. You put your hand on his cheek and ran it down to his shoulder. His shirt that he had on was wet.

“Yeah. I'm great.”

“Bucky?”

“I'm good now. Let's get that board game out that you wanted to play, huh?”

You smiled apologetically, not pushing him for more but letting him know you were concerned. He rummaged around one of the various cabinets until he found a few board games. 

You couldn't help but watch the difference between his arm and his metal one. The metal arm seemed just as alive as his other arm. It moved more robotically but that was a given. It was beautiful in the way it moved and synchronized itself in time with the movements. He probably didn't think to highly of the people who built it for him though.

He held three boxes on top of each other in his hands, allowing you a look at them.

“Or we could play chess?” He asked.

He had Sorry, Monopoly and Candy Land in his hands. You looked over at the chessboard, crossing your arms.

“Let's play sorry.”

He nodded, handing you the board and sitting the others on the counter. 

You sat down on the couch, it was instantly too plushy for you so you decided to sit on the floor. You didn't care much for a white couch, always afraid you'd ruin it somehow. 

You sat out the board game on the chess table and decided to take it off the actual table, just using the hard surface from where the chessboard sat.

Bucky sat on the other side of the board, watching you put everything together, curious.

“Pick your color. Red, yellow, or green, i already took blue.” You said, holding the pieces out to him in your palms. He looked them over briefly and picked red, putting them down on the board in the same place you had just on his color.

You were almost through the first round, he was losing to you by a landslide, which he didn't mind at all. He was actually having fun.

“I win!” You exclaimed, putting your last piece into home.

He laughed and leaned back on his elbows, you couldn't help but look at his teeth. They were so pretty and you wanted to be aware of all of him.

“Thanks for playing this game with me Bucky.”

“It was entertaining. I didn't know someone could get so excited every time they drew a card.”

“I didn't get too excited, this is just my favorite game.”

“You shouted sorry about a dozen times.” He said back, laughing at the memory.

“Yeah, well, that's part of playing the game.” You looked down sheepishly, avoiding his gaze on you.

“It was endearing.” He stated, matter of factly.

You didn't hear any footsteps so thats why it took you off guard when someone slapped their hand onto your shoulder and you fell back at the force of it. You moved your gaze up above you to see Clint standing there, a look of disapproval on his face.

“What did i tell you about doing things without me.” 

“You were asleep, snoring away! I wasn't about to wait two more hours for you to grace me with your presence.”

Bucky watched the two of you exchange words, not wanting to intervene or cause more of an issue with you and Clint.

“Listen, i already told you what i have to do and i thought maybe you'd give me a freaking break and help me out just a little bit.”

“It's not like i went out on the town. Im playing sorry with Bucky, in the tower.” You folded your arms and sat up, back hitting the couch.

Clint was still standing, looking between you and Bucky and the board game finding nothing amiss.

“Looks like she kicked your ass, Barnes.”

“I haven't played a lot of board games so i assume she will continue to kick my ass until i figure out a strategy for these games.”

Clint patted Bucky on the back and went to the kitchen that was in eyes view. He grabbed himself a mug of coffee, standing there stirring it.

“So you gonna play another round?” He asked

You looked at Bucky for him to speak. It was up to him after all. You could play board games with him all day if he would let you but you knew he was probably busy or maybe just didn't want to play and you wanted to give him the chance for an out.

“As much fun as it was, i have a few things i need to do today and right now i'm hungry.”

“Good choice, don't give her the satisfaction of beating you again.” Clint said, pointing at you with his mixing spoon. 

You stuck your tongue out being as childish as possible while you put the board game away.

“Funny that Tony has all these board games stashed away yet he never plays.” Clint said, starting conversation.

“Childhood memories?” Bucky offered as an excuse in Tony’s favor, while peeling an orange.

“Nah, he doesn't care much for his childhood. He's emotionally constipated.” Clint said laughing.

Bucky smiled at that but didn't laugh. His laughter was so rare to you and anytime you got to hear it you became greedy for more. He would only grace you with his laugh on special occasions.

“Guys. I know for a fact Tony plays these games because we've played them together. But I'd also like to point out that Bucky knew right where these were.” You said, walking up and dropping the box into Bucky's hands, a smirk on your lips.

“I knew where they were because they were in the kitchen and when i first got here, looking for food i found them in that cupboard.” He pointed to where the games had been. 

“Wait! You've played board games with Tony?!” Clint asked, disbelief clear in his tone.

“Yeah, he's actually really good.” You said, grabbing Clint’s cup of coffee from him and making it your own. He rolled his eyes at you but allowed you to take it.

“How good? Why does he play with you?” Clint asked.

“Like state champion in chess good. Haven't you ever wondered why someone like Tony would have a chess board anyway? Of course Hawkeye isn’t that stealthy and all knowing now is he?”

“But chess!?” Clint said, throwing his hands out in front of him. 

“Yes. We play board games all the time, well we used to.” You said, taking another sip of Clint's coffee, pretending it wasn't too bitter.

“Why did you stop if it was so fun then?” Clint said.

He was seriously getting annoying with how nosy he was being but you had to admit you'd be just as curious if you were him. Even Bucky was listening, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, eyes on you.

“We just had a fall out.”

“A fight?” Clint all but yelled.

“No, a fall out. Not a fight, I'd drag Tony in a fight anyway.”

“Was it because of Steve?” Clint edged on, wanting an answer.

“Pretty much. Steve just took up all my time and he knew how Tony was. He didn't want me to get, I don't know, disrespected by Tony.”

Bucky was still silent but his eyes weren't on you anymore and for good reason. If you had seen the look on his face you don't know what your reaction would've been.

“Oh come on! You disrespect yourself enough for you and Tony both.” Clint let out a laugh at his own words. You scowled in response, fingering around the mug's handle.

“You're right, i do.” You looked down.

Clint's laugh ended abruptly, his eyes opening and landing on you. You didn't want to look up because you knew Bucky was looking at you. 

He knew you were telling the truth and he knew he'd give anything for you to not feel that way about yourself.

“Wait, Y/N, it was just a joke.”

“I know Clint but that doesn't mean it's not true.” You said lightly.

“No, listen. I was out of line, i'm sorry.”

“What, is it in your ‘job description’ not to make me feel like shit?” You challenged. You hated being babied. You could take the hit.

“Job detail?” Bucky said speaking up.

“Steve just wanted me to make sure she survived the week without him,” clint sighed, resting his elbows on the counter. “And it's not part of what Steve asked of me but he'd hand me my ass if i did. He's too nice if you ask me, letting you off with warnings and ‘no it's my fault’.” Clint went on mimicking Steve.

“I'm not a child, I don't need warnings and it's not my fault he takes the blame for everything. Why don't you tell Bucky the rest of what Steve asked you to do. I'm sure you haven't even told me everything.” You said back letting go of the mug all together and crossing your arms.

“That's it, he just told me to keep an eye on you, wherever you go i go, blah blah blah.” 

“He asked you to do that?” Bucky said

“Well yeah, she's very accident prone, he just wants her safe. If you're thinking he's the controlling type think again because damn, he doesn't lay down half the laws he should.”

“Considering i've known him longer than you i would say that you should think again.”

“Yeah but you were gone for 70 years, that's a lot of time for your pal to change.”

“Nope, Steve's still just the same. He deserves more than he gets and does more than is asked of him.”

“Guy's, this is boring, can we talk about something interesting or at least go somewhere?!”

“What, talking about your boyfriend isn't exciting? I thought girls loved to do that kinda stuff!” Clint said

You leaned back against the wall looking down, clint and Bucky stayed in place not moving an inch.

“Yeah well, you might want to ask him if he's my boyfriend before you say that. Things have been different lately, it's like we're just friends.”

“Oh, shit. The way he always talks about you, i just assumed.”

“I've been assuming too. He's just so odd sometimes and i don't want to flat out ask him and offend him in some way ya’know.”

“Well you know he cares about you, that's obvious.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you guys even sleep together?”

“That's a weird thing to ask, Clint.”

“Hey, i was just asking!”

“Why don't you ask him.”

“Because he's such a prune, he won't give any deets.”

“Maybe because there's none to give.” You answered Clint.

“That's the answer to my question!”

“I'm gonna go to the gym. I'll see you two later.” Bucky said, already on his way to the elevator.

“Bucky, wait, don't you want to go somewhere with us?” You asked hopeful.

He turned his face to look at you while he kept his pace. He needed to shave but he probably didn't even notice that. 

“Maybe later, Y/N.”

“Promise?”

“Sure.” He said, voice thin.

You blinked a few times to keep the small tears from escaping. He wasn't going to be around later you could tell and if he gave you the cold shoulder you wouldn't know what to do. You couldn't handle that.

And that made you think because if he never talked to you again it would feel like the end of the world, if steve never talked to you again it would be the end of your life. You valued the world over your own life.

“Hey, so what do you want to do?”

“Sleep.” You said, falling back onto the couch over the back of it. You were upside down. Clint sat on the other couch across from you and stared at you humorously.

“It was your choice to get up early.”

“I'm regretting it now.” You replied back lazily.

“You are such a chore.”

“You would know since that's all you're useful for.”

“Hey, I'll have you know that i am a hell of a lot more useful for more than just chores.”

You hummed in response closing your eyes. You stayed like that for ten minutes, with your head hanging off the end of the couch. Your head was beginning to hurt and you decided enough was enough so you got up and laid your head on a pillow, momentarily remembering your clothing wasn't the best articles to wear about the tower if you were planning on being proactive.

“I think it's time we changed your bandages.” Clint whispered in your ear, trying not to scare you with his loud voice considering you were trying to sleep. You grumbled in response, throwing your arm out and smacking Clint's leg. 

“I'm going to send you on down to Bruce’s office so he can help you and i can get a break.”

He patted the back of your head to make sure you were awake. After a few minutes you got up, letting your hair fall around your face on your way up and made your way to the elevator. Clint watching you the whole time.

You waved at him when the doors closed and heard him speaking into his ear piece, probably alerting Bruce of your arrival.

You looked over your arms, there were a few blood stains through the gauze but not enough to worry you. Your arms still hurt and now that you thought about it some tylenol would probably go to good use.

The elevator dinged as it passed each floor, going almost all the way down then stopping. Bruce liked to be away from other people. This was his personal lab, not the shared avengers lab.

You walked in cautiously, the place wasn't dark or scary like you had once imagined long ago. It was light and airy, calm and serene. A place that screamed Bruce, not the green guy. He was never the green guy to you even when he was, he was just Bruce, just a man who tried his best to be his best. 

Everything was glass, the floor, the walls, the ceiling. You could see above and below. Not much to see though besides a storage unit on the bottom and Bruce’s place above. 

“Hello?”

“Come in.” Bruce said calmly.

He was so peaceful and calming, you often forgot that when he could change into the green guy.

You could see him through the glass wall, prepping his work station, his medical kit out. 

You smiled warmly at him when he saw you, he looked away quickly a small smile on his lips.

“Let's see how your arms are doing.” He said, motioning for you to put your arms out on the table.

You sat down, doing as instructed, eyes on him the entire time.

“Have you been down here all night?” You asked conversationally.

“Most of it yes.”

“Doesn't it get lonely?"

“At times, but i think we should all learn to be alone. It's a good skill to have.”

“I guess.”

“You don't have to agree.” He said, going to work at undoing the gauze on your arms.

“No, it's just that. I'm sure the rest of the team would like to spend more time with you.”

“They know where to find me.” He pulled the gauze from your arms and threw them into the trash next to him. “How do the stitches feel?”

“They feel okay, just sting.”

“Hmmm, they're a bit red around the edges, inflamed. I'll put some alcohol on them and we'll have to keep a close watch.”

“Is it bad?”

“Oh, no, not at all. I didn't mean to worry you.”

You sat in silence for a few minutes as he turned over your arms, examining them and putting on the alcohol that you winced at. He looked at you apologetically.

“Can i ask you something?” You said.

“Sure, go ahead.” He laughed.

“Do you think Steve loves me?”

The look he had on his face was the equivalent to someone having a cup of water and doing a spit take. He wasn't ready for that but he answered anyway.

“Yes. I do.”

“But do you think it's enough?”

“Enough for what?” He asked, finishing up his work, allowing you your arms back, and leaning back in his chair.

“Enough to keep what we have.”

“I think you have to ask yourself that question.”

“I have.”

“And do you have an answer?”

“It hurts.”

He knew you weren't talking about your arms but about the answer to your own question. He wanted you to ask yourself if you loved Steve enough to keep what you two had and it hurt you to think the answer was possibly no.

“The truth usually does.”

“Do you know?”

“About Bucky? Yes, it's hard not to see it.”

You laughed humorlessly, he raised his eyebrows in response.

“I think he loves me more than Steve.”

“Is it a fight over who loves you more?”

“Of course not.”

“Are you in love with both of them?”

This is why you loved but also hated talking to Bruce. He always chose his words carefully, saying exactly what he meant, never giving in and never holding back. He didn't ask you if you loved the both of them because that was obvious. He had asked you if you were in love, those were two different things and he understood that.

“I don't know.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I don't want to hurt anyone.”

His lips pressed into a thin line and the look he gave screamed apologetic, but not for you.

“I think you already have. Do you think it fair that Steve will be the last to know about your feelings for Bucky? Do you think it fair that he put so much faith and trust into you and you go and break it? I'm not judging you, I'm the last person who should be judging.”

“I know, but it's not fair.”

“Forgive me but i think you'll have to be a big girl and just face things.”

“I know.”

“You just wanted someone else to tell you something you already knew.”

“No, i wanted you to tell me something i already knew because i trust you and value what you say.”

“I'm just Bruce, nothing special.”

“That's the point, who you are, just Bruce.”

He smiled at you then looked at his watch, experiments weren't going to experiment themselves and you knew he wanted to get back, he was just being polite.

“I'll let you get back to work.”

“I wasn't in any hurry but thank you. I have a million and one things to do.” He said, laughing a bit. 

You made it all the way to the elevator before he called your name out. You stood, with your finger on the button to call the elevator and looked back at him.

“Follow your heart, it doesn't make as much sense as the brain but you'll be happier in this case.”

“Thanks, Bruce. What would i do without you?" You said sincerely, wanting to give him a hug but you decided against it. Didn't want to push your luck with the shy doctor so you waved your goodbye and he gave you a nod.

“Y/N?”

“Yes, Bruce?”

“Don't uh, don't be a stranger, okay?”

“Sure thing.” You said smiling, doctor Banner was nothing less than endearing.

The elevator doors closed on the two of you as you smiled at him one last time.


	6. Chapter 6

You leaned back against the wall of the elevator, feeling your headache deepen. Crap.

“Hey.”

You screamed, startled, as Natasha came through the top of the elevator. 

She dropped to her feet and smirked at you, waiting for you to recover.

“Isn't that dangerous!” You managed to sputter out.

She crossed her arms, in full uniform you noted, and watched her hair bounce from her movements. 

“Not for me, i know what I'm doing.”

“I thought Clint was the only vent and compartment savvy one here.”

“I'm full of surprises.”

“I see that. You must've dropped in for a reason, not just to scare me to death.” You said, getting to the point.

“I did. You said you wanted to train.”

“Yes but Steve said no.”

“I knew you had heard that.”

“Yeah well hard not to when he's yelling but he said your friendship was over if you went behind his back.”

“What's one less friend? I don't have much anyway, im not the friend type.”

She couldn't mean that. Steve was great, the most loyal friend anyone could ask for. You knew that they had history on the battle field, you knew that they were loyal to each other and his friendship wasn't something she took lightly.

“Natasha . . .”

“I know what I'm doing. If you don't want to train though i understand. Just so we're clear though, this isn't up to Steve, it never was. You need to make your own decisions.”

“Why doesn't he want me to learn anyway?”

“He never said but between you and me i think it's because he's scared you will want to be one of us.”

“One of you?”

“Essentially, yes. He doesn't want you to want to be part of the fight.”

“So he'd rather have me defenseless?”

“Seems so.”

“And you don't agree?”

“Of course not, neither does Bucky, or Clint, or Tony. The difference between us though is that Bucky and i are the only two willing to fight Steve on the matter.”

The elevator was slowly going up, Too slow for your liking.

“That's what Bucky and Steve's big fight was over then.”

“Yes, Bucky thinks logically, he was designed by Hydra to do so he could make the best decision on missions even if it cost the life of another. Bucky knows getting you trained will insure that you have a chance against someone who would try and hurt you. He cares about you oddly enough. Being friends with us, the avengers can get you killed.”

“Designed by Hydra. That makes me so sick to think about. He's worth more than what they did to him. He deserves better.”

“I agree but a lot of us did. We're here now, he's here now, trying to make up for what we endured and did in the past.”

“Have i ever told you how much I appreciate you?”

“Only a dozen times a day,” She chuckled “listen, you don't have to give me an answer on training now but like i said, i think it's important.”

“Okay, I'll be thinking about it.”

“Think hard.” She said, emphasizing her words, climbing back up the rope she came down on.

You shook your head in disbelief, these people in this tower. 

Instead of going back to the living room you had Jarvis give you directions back to Clint's room and you passed out on the bed, soon you found yourself dreaming.

*****

“Y/N go!” Steve said, after he had just shielded you from a bullet.

You looked back at him with wild eyes, grabbing for the rope dangling off of the side of the building. It was at least 100 feet down and that was just your uneducated guess.

“Steve, please!” You yelled frantically, watching him fight person after person before the two of you on the roof.

“Go!” He yelled once more, not taking his eyes off the enemies, looking at them with such ferocity it scared you. He was going to kill them all.

You looked down the side of the building, securing your feet on either side of the rope getting ready to climb down. 

The air was cold and harsh, whipping your hair around your face. A storm was coming. You looked at your hands around the rope with tear filled eyes, noticing that you had a uniform on. You were an avenger.

He screamed for you to go once more and that jump started your heart as you went into action climbing down the rope. You heard the bullets impact with his shield, felt each one in your throat that barely grazed past his head.

You screamed out in agony at the top of your lungs, a defenseless type of scream that held all types of loss and tragedy that came out of you.

You looked up, trying to see something, anything, other than the wind and the dark clouds.

“He's not going to make it, you need to hurry and get down before they cut your rope Y/N!”

You heard Bucky on your comms. You let go of the rope with one hand to touch your ear, an earpiece inside. He was speaking to you but you barely heard him. 

Everything was slow motion and cold. You felt the weight of the situation in your chest. You wanted to climb back up and fight along side him, to help. To be there. You put your second hand back on the rope and started going down further, using all your strength trying to ignore Steve's battle cries because if you heard them fully they'd kill you.

“Y/N, he's gone.” Bucky whispered through the earpiece. His lips might have well been right up to your ear with how clearly you heard those words.

You looked up, knowing you wouldn't be able to spot him. Your tears became sobs as you stared ahead uselessly in a daze. He's gone.

It kept repeating in your head, burning your rope, burning the sky and the heavens, the building, and you.

You took one deep breath closing your eyes. You heard Bucky whisper please before you opened your eyes once more and watched your hands let go of the rope, your whole body falling in what seemed like slow motion.

You blinked once and you were on top of the building once more, looking over the ledge where you had let go.

You could see so clearly and something wouldn't let you look away. It was Steve. He was falling, reaching his hands out in the air. 

You screamed his name, leaning over the edge to grab for him even though he was too far down. You felt something in your hand, seeing the knife you wielded. You had cut his rope.

You screamed.

“Y/N!” You heard clint over the comms.

“Y/N! Wake up! Wake up!”  
*****

You shut up out of the bed, twisting the arm that was connected to the hand that had a hold of you but soon realizing you had made a mistake to do so because it was Clint. It was just Clint.

“Shit! What the fuck!”

“I'm sorry!” You said, clint had tumbled onto the floor clutching his arm.

“What happened to you!” He said, getting up, rubbing his arm, looking concerned at you. “You were screaming in your sleep, moving all over the bed, you looked so scared.”

You didnt say anything, wrapping the blankets around you, staring ahead at nothing.

“You look like you've seen a ghost, are you okay?”

You didn't respond so he continued.

“You screamed Steve's name. . . .”

“I-” you began but couldn't find a way to describe it, couldn't find a way to speak it because if you did it would make it real. 

“It's okay, it was just a nightmare okay.”

But it wasn't, you had felt it. You cut his rope. There was only one person who could comfort you and only one person who could make sense of the nightmare. You knew you could only ask for one.

“Bruce.” You whispered

Clint looked at you nervously like you might go into shock, he lifted a hand to touch you but put it back down moments later realizing that wasn't the best idea.

“Bruce?”

“Bruce.” You mumbled once more.

He nodded and turned around, pressing his earpiece probably beeping Bruce. He walked into the bathroom leaving the door open a crack. You could still hear him.

“Bruce, it's an emergency . . . Yes it's her . . . I don't know, she asked for you . . . . She's unresponsive, only whispered your name twice . . . . Okay, thanks.”

A few moments later Bruce was walking through the door, with no rush or hurry just a steady step you could count in your head. His eyes held all the urgency his walk didn't show, he was being precise, knowing there was an issue and he wanted to keep you as calm as possible.

Clint stepped out of the room to give you false privacy, you knew he'd be listening in the vents, he always did.

“What happened?” Bruce asked, voice soothing.

You kept yourself wrapped up in the blankets, shaking your head trying disperse the memories that nightmare had left behind.

“I had a nightmare.”

“I assume you wanted to talk about it?”

“Yes, just Bruce.”

He smiled easily, sitting on the edge of the bed, hands clasped together. He was in full doctor mode.

“Okay, I'm here. What was the nightmare about?”

“Steve.”

“I see. What happened to him?”

You slowly explained the memories you had from your nightmare. He pursed his lips and his eyebrows knit together in worry, you knew if he had paper and a pen that he'd be writing things down.

“I cut the rope. It was me.”

“I think you are just over exerting yourself and are very stressed. The meaning of that dream though, it seems with what you told me, that you're afraid of losing him indefinitely. You cutting the rope probably just means that you feel as if you are going to put him in a situation as such.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Also becoming an avenger is a big deal. I know he doesn't want you to want that. You are worrying about all of this too much.”

“Nat did tell me to think about it hard.”

“It seems you have. I'm sorry you had that nightmare.”

“It's okay.”

“Is it really? You look pretty shooken up.”

“I can deal with it.”

“If you could, would you have asked for me?”

It really wasn't a question, it was more of a statement and he was right.

“Y/N, it's something you need to face. Let it destroy you in the moment if that's what it takes then come back and figure out what you're going to do about it.”

“Why do you always give the best advice?"

“Well, i have to live up to your expectations of me.”

“That's nonsense and you know it, just Bruce.”

“Do i?”

“You should.”

“Agree to disagree.”

“Of course you would, you just don't know how to take a compliment.”

“No, i just don't deserve any.”

You saw his eyes, how truthful and clear they were. He really believed he didn't deserve good things. You knew he deserved the best.

“You give so much to everyone, Bruce. Maybe it's time you give to yourself. For starters you could give yourself a little credit. You are an avenger after all.”

“I'm just Bruce, not an avenger so much. I'm here because I'm useful.”

“Isn't everyone here because they're useful in some way? Look at the bigger picture, doctor. Above it all you all are friends, loyal, together. You have something here that few can achieve.”

“Sometimes the picture is too big to focus on such things. You're right though, that doesn't escape me in the least, i am aware.”

“That's good, so you see.”

“But i also see myself.”

He was right. You couldn't see him like he could and maybe he had some faults you were just too blind to see. Still that didn't change the fact that he was warm, that he had a heart and with the kindness he showed it beat for two. 

“ I can't tell you how to feel doctor Banner.”

“What happened to, ‘just Bruce’.”

“You're more than ‘just’ right now.” You said, smiling and looking down.

He hesitantly leaned forward and squeezed your shoulder awkwardly. You loved him for the thought alone, he was special even if he didn't think it.

“Are you okay now?”

“Yes, i think so.”

“I could stay longer if you'd like.”

“I'd like that but i know you're terribly busy with a million and one things to do.” You said back, letting him know you wouldn't mind him leaving, you knew how important his work was.

“I'll see you around then. Probably at dinner with everyone else.”

“Okay.”

And it was as easy as that. Being around him was as easy as breathing. It was nothing of what you had expected before. You remember in the beginning you had been scared of him, knowing what he could turn into, seeing it first hand . . . . Bruce always had that apology on him around you for that, he just never got up the nerve to telling you.

You laid back onto the bed and turned on your side, willing your eyes shut even though you could still clearly see his fall.

You weren't up for a conversation with Clint right now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are liking this so far!
> 
> Comments and advice are greatly appreciated as is kudos! 
> 
> Xoxoxo

You woke up, not sure how long you had been asleep, when you looked out the window you had gotten your answer. It was dark outside.

“It's 11:00 p.m.”

“What?”

“11. Are you okay?”

“Bucky?”

“Yes. I asked you a question.”

“I am, what are you-”

“Clint asked me to take a shift.”

You didn't believe him for a second. His voice was odd, too straightforward and precise.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I don't feel like arguing you.”

“Sure.” He said simply 

You couldn't see him, he was in the shadows like so many times before, always out of reach. Only the moon illuminated the room and it wasn't enough to find him.

“Where is Clint?”

“Dinner. They all are.”

“And you're here because?”

“I heard you had a nightmare and i wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I'm fine, just hungry.”

“Dinner then?”

He flipped the light on, you could see him now and he looked terrible, like he had went a round with himself or at least a round sparring with someone. 

“What happened to you?”

“I challenged Loki to a match. He won.”

“Oh.”

He motioned you forward and you got up, walking in front of him to the elevator. You both were silent inside of it, not speaking. He brushed his fingertips against your hand, feeling the chill of the metal against your skin but not reacting like you wanted to.

The doors slowly opened, letting you greet everyone with a groggy smile, Bucky walked in ahead of you and grabbed a slice of pizza from one of the various boxes someone had ordered and flopped onto the couch.

You took a slice of just cheese and sat next to Sam who bumped your shoulder lightly in acknowledgement.

“Any report back yet?” You asked alloud. They all knew what you were talking about.

“As a matter of fact there is. They're almost done, had to bring in back up that's why Nat isn't here.” Clint said around a bite of pizza.

“So they're okay then?”

“Of course they are.” Sam said, putting his arm around you.

“And where have you been this whole time?” You asked him.

“On a mission of my own.” He said proudly, puffing out his chest.

“Yeah a mission called your vacation.” Bucky mumbled.

“Hey! Fury didn't call it that!” Sam said back annoyed

“Oh, sorry, it was only your week suspension.” Clint interjected. 

You laughed at the easy banter.

“Why did you get suspended?” You asked curiously.

Bucky opened his mouth to answer you but sam had beat him to the punch.

“That's classified!” Sam spat, pizza flying out of his mouth while he pointed at Bucky with a so-help-me-i-will-kick-your-ass expression and leaned forward off the couch.

Bucky raised his hands. Palms up in surrender, Sam sat back down easily but still eyed Bucky.

“Your boyfriend will be back in no time, you'll see.” Sam said to you quietly.

“I'm worried about Tony too.” You were being honest.

“Didn't you and him have a thing before?” Bruce interjected.

Of all the times Bruce decided to speak up of course it had to be this time. Everyone turned to look at you. Thor, Loki, sam, the whole lot of them. You swallowed your pizza loudly, giving Bruce a look. He ducked his head knowing he probably shouldn't have said that.

“Um, more like he had a thing.”

“What does that mean?” Clint blurted out.

“Why do i have to explain everything to you?” You asked.

Clint sighed out, spinning on the stool, waiting for you to go on. 

“He had a thing for me i think. I didn't give it much thought, he's a good friend to have though.”

“I know he had a thing for you.” Bruce said, leaning on the table. “He talked about you all the time. Where he had met you, how he had introduced you to Steve and that he wished he hadn't.”

Bruce took a drink from his glass nervously, you understood his word vomit. Once he started he was just so nervous that he couldn't stop and you didn't hold it against him.

“I met him before anyone else. I, um, i was going to work at Stark industries as a receptionist, I don't really remember. Anyway, he just happened to be there that day and had bumped into me, spilling coffee all over my shirt . . .”

“That's like classic love story crap.” Sam laughed.

“Well it wasn't, i was annoyed and even more so when he didn't even apologize so i chased him down and demanded one. Once i got it i walked back to my car and i guess he followed me.” You finished.

“He said that you strutted out of the place like you owned it, that he had forgotten that he owned it and not you. He gave you his card so you could bill him for the dry cleaning and he watched you flick it to the ground. He said your attitude is what caught his eye, actually made him look at you.” Bruce continued. He had already spilt the beans, what was a few more worth.

“Yes well, i had left and he caught me a week later at some coffee place.”

“The bean machine.” Bruce said.

“What?” Bucky and Clint said in unison.

“He caught her at the bean machine,he remembered the name of that place. It was no accident. He convinced her to come to the tower, meet a few avengers. The rest is history.” Bruce tipped his drink back again.

“Why did he tell you all this?” Bucky asked.

“Who was i gonna tell? I spend all my time in my lab.”

“Bruce is a good listener.” You offered.

“Doesn't this bug you?” Clint asked.

“Feelings change, he's probably past it. I was never there.” You responded, shrugging.

“Do you feel sorry for him?” Sam interjected.

“Now that i know the trouble he went through yes but it doesn't change anything.”

“He still wants you.” Bruce blurted out.

“Okay big guy, time for you to go to sleep.” Sam said, getting up to take Bruce to his floor. Bruce nodded but took his glass with him.

“Actually Loki and i must go as well, we have business to attend to.” Thor stated, getting up and pulling Loki to his feet walking to the elevator.

“I'm going to check the perimeter one last time today, Steve's orders.” Clint said, zipping up into the vents.

It was just you and Bucky. Again.

“Don't say it Buck.”

“Say what?” He said, trying to hide his smirk.

“You know what.”

“Tony-”

“See! Stop, it doesn't matter.”

“It obviously matters to him.”

“Yeah well I can't do anything about it because I don't want to. He's not my type.”

“But steve is?”

“What about you, huh?”

“I assumed you'd tell me, since ya’know.”

“Don't be daft.”

“Daft?”

“Yes.”

“You're worried about them?” Bucky asked, changing the subject.

“Of course, aren't you?”

“Absolutely. But i have faith in them.”

“Are you trying to start a fight because it seems for the last few days you've been against me.”

“No. I'm not. You always find something to go on about.”

“So now it's me?”

“I wasn't saying that to upset you. It's the truth.”

“God, you are just so thick sometimes.”

“Sorry.”

“Buck, what's up with you? You're acting weird.”

“I don't know if this is the right thing.” He blurted out.

Your heart stopped. Was this going to be it? Was this the one, was this your fears coming true?

“Bucky . . .”

“Is it worth it? Does he mean that little to us?”

“So this is it?” You said, throat feeling thick, your eyes watering.

“I don't think we should continue.”

“This is the break up speech you're giving me? Really?!”

“He needs you more than me.”

“I'm not in love with him!" You blurted out, panic setting in. You couldn't lose Bucky and you were in the moment and he needed to hear this.

“What?”

“I'm not in love with him. I- i want you.”

“Don't just say that because you're scared.”

“I'll tell him, when he gets back I'll tell him everything from the first night till now. I'll let him go.” You mumbled through tears, Bucky sat beside you and put his hand on your cheek, Looking at you with such sadness.

“You'll break his heart.”

“If i stay with him I'll break mine.”

“Y/N . . .”

“You said you loved me! You told me that you did, if it's true and you really do want me then prove it! You don't think its gonna hurt me too? It's killing me and i made this mess! I did this to all of us and I can't live with myself if i don't tell him the truth!”

“What about the beginning? Are you going to tell him about that?”

“I have to. I have to tell him everything.” Tears were slipping fully now, Bucky pulled you in for a hug and you pulled your arms around him tightly, breathing in his scent. 

“Think hard, either way, whatever you choose, I'll support you.”

“Fight for me!”

“I can't sweatheart, I love you enough to let you go. I care for him enough to not ask you to choose me because you could still want him.”

“I never really wanted him I don't think. He was nice and calm and what i needed at the time and I love him but we're different now. I'm different now.”

“I'm sorry.” And the way that he said it made you sob into him, your tears darkening his grey shirt. 

He knew what you would lose, what he would lose, what Steve would lose and he was sorry because he knew.

He was sorry because if you chose him he loved you enough to want to be with you. He was sorry because Steve would see you two and know and think of all the times behind his back. He was sorry because he can't change the way he feels and he can't keep Steve from the hurt.

“Whoa everything okay out here?”

You heard Sam’s voice full of worry. You didn't have it in yourself to pull away from Bucky. You didn't care anymore if people saw you as you were. You tightened your arms incase Bucky tried to let go but he didn't.

“She's having a breakdown, too much stress.”

“Damn, I'm sorry.”

You weren't looking at him, you didn't know if he had made a move to comfort you or not considering you had wrapped yourself around Bucky.

“He's going to be fine ya’know. I know Steve and he recovers fast. He'll probably get by with a few scrapes and walk it off. He always does.”

You knew sam’s heart was in the right place, trying his best to assure you of Steve's safety which of course you were worried about but this wasn't about that. 

“He'll be home soon, i can see if i can get through on comms with him so you can speak to him?”

“Probably not a good idea, he needs to stay focused for the mission. I'll take care of her for now, take her to bed and when Clint gets back he can take over.”

“Doesn't look like she'll let him, let alone anyone else.” Sam said, taking in your grasp on Bucky’s shirt.

“She won't have a choice.” Bucky said, keeping his voice soft.

Sam nodded and left the room taking a box of pizza with him.

Bucky smoothed your hair back and wiped some of your tears away. His eyes were so blue.

“You have to let me go, doll.”

“Please.”

“Shhh, you can do it.”

You released your fingers one at a time but kept your hands on him, feeling the comfort of him around you.

“Now dry your eyes for me sweetheart, you don't want to be a mess when Clint comes back. Breathe for me.”

You did as he told, straightening up your hair into a bun and stifling the sobs and the unflattering snot off your nose.

“Good girl.” Bucky praised you, putting his hands on either side of your face and kissing your forehead.

“Don't leave me.”

“I won't, not until Clint gets back.”

You didn't respond, just sat next to him, pulling his metal hand over and lacing your fingers together. You wanted contact with him and that's what he let you get away with.

“I don't ever want to be without you.”

“I can't promise you that you won't be. Things change.”

“I won't, not about you I won't.”

“You sound so sure.” He said surprised.

“I am. I know who I can't live without.”

“Let me guess, it's Tony?”

You smiled at his attempt to joke with you, it brought a small laugh to your lips as you nudged his shoulder.

“It's you, dummy.”

“I can't get past Tony.”

“Oh my god.”

“It's surprising isn't it, since he has Pepper and all?”

“Not really, i had Steve. Tony and Pepper haven't been working for a while now. I think they've both been meaning to tell the other one but they haven't gotten around to it.”

“Hm.” He said acknowledging your response lightly. 

*****

Tony and Steve were holed up in a small apartment building for their hide out. Fury hadn't exactly set them up with the accommodations Tony would've liked. As for Steve, well he had delt with worse.

“You gonna take her out when you get back?” Tony whispered. 

He was tired of just sitting there considering he was iron man and should be defeating some bad guys right about now. Bugging Steve was the next best thing.

“Y/N?”

“Duh, who else.”

“I don't know.” Steve replied back slightly annoyed.

“You should. She'd like that. Or i could take her out.” Tony said, a sly smile on his face.

“Please, boys. Focus on the mission here.” Natasha had swooped in from the closet.

“I'm glad you're here Nat, you could give Steve some relationship advice.” Tony quipped.

“oh really now?” She responded, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yes. He says she's different somehow.” Tony said.

“Maybe she is. I'm not the best one to give advice though, Steve hates me right now.”

“I don't hate you, we had a disagreement.”

“The same disagreement you've had with Bucky.”

“Yes.”

“Oh do tell.” Tony butted in.

“They want to train Y/N to be one of us.” Steve deadpanned.

“Not exactly. We wanted to train her so she could defend herself. Not so she could be an avenger.”

“I say train her!” Tony said enthusiastically.

“Thanks Stark.” Steve said glaring.

Tony was typing on his computer figuring out coordinates and Steve looked out the window every so often. Natasha sat there silently, thinking.

“Things are changing.” Steve brought the subject up again. It was really bothering him.

“Yes.” Natasha said, aware.

“What do i do?”

“I've never been in this situation. I wouldn't know what to tell you.” Nat said quietly. She felt for Steve.

“She's, I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy, being gone all the time isn't making her happy.”

“Are you in love with her?” Natasha asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yes, of course.”

“It's going to depend on if she's in love with you.” Tony butted in once again.

“Guys, let's get back to work, wrap things up here so we can get back.”

*****


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fanfic is almost coming to a close! Just a few more chapters and it will be completed.
> 
> I hope that this was an enjoyable read for you guys!
> 
> Xoxoxo

"Wake up.” You said to Clint, throwing a pillow at him. 

He swatted it away groggily so you pounced on him, giving him a noogy. He grabbed you by your wrists and stilled your movements but you still tried to wiggle free.

“What time is it?”

“6 a.m. But who's paying attention.” You said.

“Let me sleep.”

“C’mon, you hardly sleep during missions!”

“That's because they're missions. I'm on my own time right now and i want to sleep.”

“But your time is my time and my time is your time so-"

“So I'm up, you happy.” He said sitting up not sounding happy at all, rolling you off of him. Your butt hit the floor with a thud. He did that on purpose.

You got up and walked to the kitchen, looking for something to drink that didn't have a sticky note with your name on it. You found one of Clint’s sports drinks and took it.

He was sitting on the couch still, just watching you. You sat the drink on the counter.

“It's Bucky isn't it? That's why you've been acting off.” He said, walking up next to you, looking down at you.

You went cold. Of course Clint would bring it up. 

“I don't-”

“Whatever, you don't have to answer me. But you're gonna have to answer Steve.”

“Nothing's happening, Clint. Nothing.”

“You call him all the time and probably confide in him, you've probably kissed him countless times, who knows what else you two have done but nothing's happening. I get it.”

“Nothing has happened. Even if i had wanted them to, Bucky wouldn't allow it. He has too much respect for Steve.”

“Obviously you don't.”

You teared up, you didn't handle people confronting you so well especially if it was Clint because he was like a wiser but obnoxious older brother that you constantly wanted to impress.

“You hate me.” You sobbed into your hands.

“No, no, I don't hate you. Your like the stupid little sister i never had who is making a shit load of bad choices.”

He was trying to get you to laugh, or at least crack a smile or have a witty comeback but the weight of everything was falling on you.

“Steve will hate me too.”

“I don't, i promise. He won't either, he'll be hurt but he won't hate you.”

You stood there silent with him rubbing circles into your back.

“Do you love him?”

“Who?” You sniffled.

“Bucky.”

You sobbed again, throwing all your pain into it. You wanted to lie and say no but you knew it was time to tell the truth.

“Yes.”

He nodded against your shoulder, trying to comprehend things. He didn't understand how you could love someone so cold to the world. He didn't understand that Bucky wasn't cold to you.

“I love Steve too.”

“You've got to tell him. I don't support what has been going on because Steve doesn't deserve this. He loves you so much, he's in love with you. He was-” he cut himself of, debating on saying his next words. 

You were still crying but softer now while he still held you in his kitchen like you were his kid who had just gone through their first break up totally heart broken.

“He was planning on proposing to you.”

You shook your head and squeezed your eyes trying to stop the tears that welled up at that. Fuck.

“He can't. I don't know what to do.”

“You have to be honest. With everyone.”

“He's going to fucking hate me but more than that he's going to hate Bucky. He's going to lose his best friend because of me. I did this to them.”

“I can't tell you that you didn't but it's more than a one way street,

Y/N, you have to tell him when he gets back.”

“I will.”

And you would because it was the right thing to do, because you couldn't look Steve in the eyes anymore without feeling what you were doing to him.

You were going to miss his smile, his kind eyes, the way he laughed at the ridiculous things you would do or how his expression would change when he thought you weren't being careful enough. You'd miss him. 

You had made your decision though and no matter what you were going to stick by it.

“You have two more days until he gets back.” 

“Maybe less now that Nat is out there helping them. It doesn't matter though, I don't need to think of a game plan. I just need to tell him, get it out in the air clearly, no hesitation, no ‘buts’.”

“Right.”

“Bucky probably shouldn't be in the room when i do this.”

“It'll be his choice.”

"It's all going to go to hell in a matter of seconds."

"Probably."

"Almost the whole tower knows ya'know. Bruce just had to look at Bucky and I and he knew we had feelings for each other."

"I had to do some serious research myself."

"Of course because you're nosy."

"Well i am Hawkeye. Nothing gets past me for long."

"Don't make me laugh, i just wish i had told Steve in the beginning."

"Yeah, well, wish in one hand and poop in the other, see which one fills up faster."

"Well i wish more than i poop so-"

"Touche." He said, trying to lighten the situation.

“I want to become an avenger.” You said off topic.

“What?” That took Clint for a loop.

“I want to be an avenger, not just in a relationship with one.”

“You'd have to train for years.” He scoffed.

“So, I'll do it. Whatever it takes. Hell, i could be an assistant in the tower for all i care, just as long as i was a part of this.”

“Part of what?”

“Family. I know I've screwed up royally, I've made mistakes but i want to be here. I feel like I've grown close to all of you and it’d be a shame to lose it all. I know I'm going to lose Steve, even though I don't want to.”

“It might take a while for you to get back in everyone's good graces, you know that right? Not everyone is going to forgive you quickly.”

“I don't want them to, i want them to do whatever they need to do for themselves.”

Clint stood at attention, looking past you as if he was getting something you weren't. You opened your mouth to speak but he shushed you.

“Looks like they're done. They'll be heading back in a few hours. They'll be here by midnight.” Clint said.

You were excited for the most part. Everyone was okay, Steve was okay but as soon as he stepped foot into the tower you had to tell him. 

“I'm going to go get coffee, you should get dressed for the day. Didn't you want to hit the town?”

“Really!?” You said hopefully, knowing you didn't deserve his friendship, or any of theirs.

He rolled his eyes and left the room. 

You went to the bathroom first, straightening your hair and putting little makeup on, just enough to brighten up your face and then you picked an outfit.

Basic white v-neck shirt with skinny jeans and sneakers. You nodded to yourself in the mirror, approving your casual attire.

Your phone buzzed on the counter and you picked it up quickly. It was Steve.

“Hello?” You said, trying not to sound weird.

“How are you doing?”

“I'm fine.” You lied.

“Everything went as planned here and I'm heading back soon. When i get back I'll take you out, wherever you want to go.” He sounded hopeful.

“Okay.” Is all you responded, probably disappointing him.

“I love you.” He said.

And he meant it. He said it in a way that hurt you and twisted your insides. You wanted to tell him i love you back but you knew it wouldn't help the situation and you might as well start with this mess now.

“Steve, i have to go, I’ll see you when you get back.” 

There was concerned silence for a moment from him before he finally responded.

“Sure, Y/N, I'll see you then too.”

“Goodbye.” You said, the tears evident in your voice.

“Bye, darling.” He said, sounding just as hurt.

You put your hands on either side of the sink, bracing yourself against it. Tears were splashing into the sink. This wasn't supposed to hurt so much.

Your sobs became big breathless breaths in and out, you were trying to stay calm, counting 1-10 to keep your panic attack down. It had taken you ten minutes to settle them and you looked back at your reflection in the mirror, tears escaping.

“It can't be worth it.” Bucky mumbled, leaning against the door frame.

“When did you get in here?” You ask quietly.

“A little bit before he called you. I was waiting by the bed but then i heard you talking to him. I didn't want to upset your breakdown because i think you needed that. To relieve stress of course.”

“Oh.”

“This can't be what you want.”

“I don't want anyone hurt but it doesn't seem like it can be avoided.”

He leaned forward and tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, you smiled up at him and did the same to him which got you a small chuckle from him in return.

“I'm going to town with Clint today, do you wanna tag along?”

“Hmm, I don't know.”

“Please?”

“Where were you wanting to go?”

“Froyo, possibly the mall.”

“Doesn't sound like my kind of places.”

“Don't make me bring Sam along.” You whined.

“You don't have to bring him. It could be just you and Clint.”

You pouted and grabbed a tissue, fixing your make up as best you could.

“Fine, I'll take Sam.”

“Okay. Clint's been complaining on how long he's been waiting for you.”

“God, okay, okay, I'm going.” 

You grabbed your purse off the table and dashed out of the room, leaving Bucky behind.


	9. Chapter 9

You didn't give Sam much chance to gracefully bow out of your plans and neither did Clint. It seemed like even though Clint was upset with you he was determined to prove that he wanted to stay friends with you.

You three were sitting in the car, still in the car garage. Clint was whistling off tune and Sam was trying his best not to strangle Clint. It's not that Sam didn't want to go out with you two, it was just that he didn't want to go out with you two if that made sense.

“C’mon, Sam, it could be worse. We could be taking Thor on another pop tart run.” Clint said humorously, handing you a jacket and pointing at your bandaged arms, probably best to cover up.

“Yeah but he's not making us go to the mall just to carry all of his bags now is he. We're Avengers, not maids.” Sam said back annoyed from the back seat.

“Hey, if it makes you feel better, I'll have Clint carry all my bags.”

Clint started the car and drove out of the lot, making his way to the mall, while you and Sam still bantered.

“Okay, but in what world is it okay for us to take you around the mall just to shop, i should be on some super stealth ninja mission!” Sam said, flopping down on the backseat.

“That's not what they're called and you know it. If you're good we'll stop by the pretzel stand.” You knew Sam loved the pretzel stand.

“Fine, but i'm only doing this for the pretzels."

You turned in your seat to smile at him but was soon flung forward in your seat, the seat belt probably was going to bruise your shoulder.

“What the hell, Clint!”

“What? Traffic!”

You glared at him as did Sam.

“We're almost there if that will turn your frown upside down, missy.” Clint said.

You couldn't see his eyes through his stupid sunglasses but you knew he was being unnecessarily annoying.

“Don't call me missy.”

“Okay, princess.”

You didn't respond, knowing the names would get much worse if you went on. You swatted at Sam who was laughing and rolling around in the backseat mouthing ‘princess’. It wasn't that funny.

“Ugh, when are we gonna get there!” You whined, throwing yourself back against the seat which was a bad idea because ouch.

“Well, if you must know, my child, we will be there in about ten minutes. Im sure you can wait ten minutes.” Clint said.

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“I'm pretty sure i just stated otherwise.”

“It's a lie.”

“Sure.”

“What do you think, Sam?” Clint asked.

“Oh, totally a lie. This girl right here,” Sam said, putting a hand on either of your shoulders and squeezing. “Couldn't hate you if she tried.”

“Thanks for the back up, sam.” You said.

He gave you a thumbs up and turned his head back to the window. The rest of the ride there was silent.

The three of you looked awkward standing in front of the mall. Of course they didn't have their uniforms on, just normal clothing, but you wished they had so it looked like some secret service type shit. You looked up at both of them squealing in delight and grabbing both of them by the hand while they rolled their eyes as they allowed you to pull them forward.

You kept it simple for their sakes, first hitting up bath & body works for the lotions. They awkwardly walked in, looking around at all the things they would never even consider using. You had them test and smell various perfumes and lotions to help you decide which ones you wanted. Sam had made a comment that he'd never go shopping with you again which you brushed off.

The next store you hit up was a jewelry store, you usually went there just to browse. You weren't terribly big on jewelry, sometimes just a ring here or there but it was fun to look around and see all the different designs and colors of everything. 

“Can we go to the pretzel stand now?” Sam asked hopefully.

Clint snorted at the fact that Sam had to ask you if you all could go to the pretzel stand instead of just going off himself. Sam nudged Clint in the ribs knowing he would've done the same thing.

“Hmmm, I'm leaning towards a no.”

“C’mon! We've been here for hours, you've got to be hungry now right?” Sam questioned.

“True, i am. Sure, let's go.”

Sam tried to tune down his excitement and settled with a high-five with Clint. 

You made your way over to the pretzel stand and let Sam fill in the order while you and Clint waited at a table in the food court. Clint had already gotten you a soda which you drank from gratefully not realizing how thirsty you were.

“So how are you feeling?” Clint asked, sincerely.

“I'd be doing a lot better if people stopped asking me things like that and bringing it up.” You said, twirling your straw amongst the ice.

“Sorry.”

You looked up at him, pursing your lips.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped like that. I'm just stressed.”

“I know.”

“I'm thinking about just leaving before he gets here.”

“Leaving as in leaving, leaving?”

“Yes, even leaving Bucky. It's a total cop-out, a coward's move, i know, but I don't know if i can face him.”

“He'd find you anyway. He wouldn't believe any of us if we told him you had left on your own.”

“No, i think he would somehow, he'd just, I don't know.”

“He wouldn't give up. He loves you too much to believe you'd just leave like that.”

“Maybe.”

“Y/N, it's no maybe. I think you know him well enough by now to know there is no ‘maybe’ about him.”

“There's no maybe about any of you i'm afraid.” You said, looking behind you for Sam. He was smiling brightly with a tray full of pretzel goodies.

It brought you back to one of your very first dates with Steve. You were both still awkward around each other and you liked him more than anyone you had ever liked before. Tony had laughed at you and made comments that you only liked Steve for his ‘job’ or the way that he looked. Tony couldn't be farther from the truth. It was who Steve was that interested you, that you loved about him. Steve was still Steve without his job or the way that he looked. He was himself and he wore his heart on his sleeve and that's all you had ever needed.

You remember he had taken you to a baseball game, someone in the tower had told him it was a perfect date. You appreciated the thought but baseball wasn't your thing and the stadium was too loud for conversation. He had gotten some standard baseball food, nachos, and was trying to share them when the whole crowd had popped up hooting and hollering over a home run. In the process he had dumped the nachos all over your jeans and sweater. 

The look on his face was enough to make him look like a lost puppy dog and you wanted to fix that. You smiled up at him and waved one of your hands telling him it was okay. His hands fluttered around you, not knowing what to help you with first as apologies kept passing his lips. You handed him the nacho basket and scooped as many nachos back in as you could with your hand.

Your hand was covered in messy cheese. Steve was still apologizing, cheeks going red with embarrassment so you lifted up your hand and wiped it across his face. 

He looked back stunned, not apologizing for once and you let out a small laugh that made him smile at you in return. You had commented that he didn't have to be sorry anymore since you were both messy now and he had laughed and said something about how they put way too much cheese on nachos. He was just talking too much for his own good so you leaned forward and kissed him as calmly as you could manage.

He didn't kiss back at first, too surprised but soon complied and you were sure all you both tasted were nachos but when he pulled away after a moment he had that look in his eyes that made you think forever wasn't long enough and you knew he was the one.

Sam slapping down the tray of pretzels and cheese brought you back to reality. Clint was looking at you, obviously curious to know what that whole episode was about. You sighed heavily and picked at the pretzels and cheese.

That flashback was probably supposed to prove who you wanted to be with more but to you it just showed you a past that could never become a future. You weren't right for him and you wanted to explain that because he was good and there was nothing wrong with him. You didn't change because of him, it was all you. You just didn't want to break him.

“Guys, let's cut the day short.”

“What?” Sam said, disbelief clear in his tone, pretzel hanging out of his mouth.

“I'm not feeling up to walking around anymore, I've got enough stuff already.”

“You have a bag full of lotions.”

“Hey, it's a small bag.”

“If you wanna head back early, i'm not gonna complain.” Clint chimed in, resting his head on his hand.

Sam nodded in agreement this time instead of questioning more.

“Probably wanna be there when Steve gets back.” Sam said around another bite of pretzel.

“He's not getting back until midnight.” You said flatly.

“He could always come back early.” Sam said comfortingly, misinterpreting your tone.

“Or he could come back late.” Clint said.

“Or he gets back when he gets back. It's not that big of a deal. He's okay and that's all that matters right now.” You said, trying not to get testy. It wasn't their fault.

“Tell me again why you were on suspension?” You asked Sam.

“None of your business, that's why!” Sam said, scooting out of his chair and taking his tray of pretzels and cheese with him just to sit at a different table, waiving at you so you knew he wasn't really mad at you.

“You sure know how to clear a room.” Clint said

“It was just one person you ass.”

“But one person is someone so it counts.”

“Have i told you that you're annoying?”

“I don't think you have.”

“Well you are, and you're an ass and an idiot, and-”

“Don't forget I'm your ride home, missy!”

“Shut up.”

“Only if you do first.” 

You both sat there in silence, proving that you could shut up for a decent amount of time. He looked at you, waiting for you to speak first because he thought you would. You crossed your arms and leaned back in the chair, daring him to speak first.

Sam watched you two from afar, shaking his head at you both being utter children. He hadn't been around for much lately but he was always around for you because you were one of his favorites. Probably because he didn't have to talk missions with you and things like that, because you reminded him what it was like to be normal and he could appreciate that. He appreciated your friendship and the fact that you could make anyone laugh, even Natasha who was usually always in stealth mode.

You and Clint still hadn't spoken, obviously you both could shut up for a long length of time. You didn't want to open your mouth first though, it was a pride thing but you desperately wanted to voice how annoyed you were once again.

“Fine, you win, just because I don't feel like going at this all day with you.” Clint said.

“I'll take it.” You said triumphantly, taking the last few drinks from your soda since it had began to get watery.

“You ready to get out of here?”

You brought your finger up to your chin, thinking. You had an idea.

“Yes, after we go to the picture booth.”

“Oh my god, you better go tell Sam because I'm not.” Clint grumbled.

Clint had always been a good bro who went along with most of what you wanted with light disagreement, Sam was the same way as well but Clint was willing to do more.

You hopped up excitedly, skipping your way over to Sam who looked at you suspiciously. 

“Ready to go?” You asked casually.

“Depends where we're going.”

“Home of course.”

“You sure about that?”

“With a quick stop at the photo booth on the way.” You said under your breath.

“What was that?” He asked suspicious.

“The photo booth, the three of us.”

“You've got to be kidding me.” 

“Please? It'll make me really happy and Clint already said he'd do it.”

“Did he now?”

“Okay, he said he wouldn't tell you, that i would have to but that's basically the same thing as yes.” You said, throwing your arm around Sam.

“This is the only time you will ever catch me in a photo booth okay, and if you show anyone-”

“Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” You sang, kissing his cheek and running back over to Clint to tell him the good news.

You hopped up and down practically the whole way to the booth. Clint decided to give you a piggy back ride the rest of the way there so you'd stop jumping around them like a child who had been let loose in the mall.

“Ya’know if people didn't know any better they'd think you were my child.” Clint said.

“Please, you look old but not that old.”

“Well you look like a child, you're short.”

“Compared to all of you giants i do!”

“See, you even whine like a child.”

“Don't make me choke you out in the middle of this mall.” You threatened, tightening your hold around his neck. He pinched your thigh to get you to loosen your grip which worked.

“Nice try little lady, I've taken you out and about out of the goodness of my heart and this is how you repay me?”

“You should be nicer to us.” Sam said.

“Now i understand why neither of you have girlfriends.” You laughed

“Hey, i could have one if i wanted one.” Clint said defensively.

“Same.” Sam said.

“Okay, sure, because the way you two are so annoying wouldn't factor in.”

“You're just as annoying.” Clint snorted.

“I'd like to think of myself as fun, adventurous.”

“I think pain in the ass sounds better.” Clint said laughing.

“Hey! If it wasnt for me i'm sure your lives would be boring.” You stated.

“True.” Clint said, shrugging. It was the closest to an honest answer you'd ever get from him and you beamed down at Sam. 

Sam shook his head laughing, looking up just in time to spot the booth.

You got off of Clint’s back and shoved him in first before you got in bringing Sam right along with you. It was a tight squeeze so you settled on having them both sit down then you sat on their thighs. It boosted you up a bit but you could all be seen just fine.

Clint put in the necessary bills and you picked a frame for the photos, settling with the cheesiest one you could find which consisted of hearts and kissy lips. You settled back, a smirk on your face. You were proud of your handy work.

The numbers started to count down for the picture and you put your arm around Sam while you pushed your other hand into Clint’s face and laughed when the countdown hit one, taking the picture.

The others went just as well as the first one, Clint put his arm around your neck and rubbed his fist into your hair while Sam burst out laughing at your expression.

Sam did the whole bunny ears behind your head with his fingers at one point, the entire thing was a fun time. When things went to shit this was something you would hold onto.

The pictures took a while to print out of the machine but they came out perfect none the less. Two only printed out which you offered them both to them. Clint and Sam decided to just cut one in half and let you keep the other. Somehow it seemed they knew you'd need it more.

The ride home from the mall was silent. Mainly because everyone was semi exhausted from that trip and could afford to rest and partly because you were thinking about the inevitable and still on the way home.

Bucky was giving you the option to erase him completely and pretend that nothing had happened between the two of you so you could go along with Steve like nothing had ever changed. He was giving you the option to choose himself and he'd stand by you every step of the way. He was giving you the option to choose neither of them and walk away.

But you were in too deep to just walk away. You had made yourself a family amongst them and you didn't want that to die. You didn't know how much of that mutual feeling would be left after you and Steve got to talk or if anyone would at all and you didn't want to lose any of them completely. It looked like Clint would still talk to you, maybe even Natasha though she was doing her best to stay out of things like this, possibly Tony as well.

You didn't want to just erase Bucky. You knew that you couldn't. It wouldn't be right. You didn't feel the same way about Steve anymore. 

The right thing to do was to stay with Steve, it was the logical option. But you were never much for logic and what's done had been done. There was no coming back from that even if Steve miraculously forgave you for the months of sneaking behind his back.

It was exhausting going over this again but you couldn't help it. Your brain wouldn't shut up or quiet down. You sighed in exhaustion.

That didn't escape Clint's attention, he raised a brow in your direction bt you refused to answer him. You noticed Clint was pulling into the garage, finally home.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm not sure how well this turned out. But i hope it is good enough for this story! I struggled with this chapter because of how heart breaking it is all around.

You found out there was a pool in the tower. Of course Tony would have one for no good reason other than to say he had one. You decided you would go take a swim to waste time, not asking anyone to go with you this time. You wanted to be alone.

Jarvis helped you find the pool easily. It was grand of course, beautifully designed with crystal clear water inside. You almost didn't want to disrupt the beautiful waves in the pool. You duly noted that the pool went all the way to 12 feet deep and was equipped with a diving board and slide. You'd have to try that out sometime.

For now you were content with dipping your feet in at the side, getting used to the water. Soon you had your whole body in the water, just wanting to float about. Maybe if you were lucky you'd fall asleep and accidentally drown.

“Jarvis, what time is it?”

“It is 6:30 p.m. Ma’am.”

“Thanks.” You said.

It was far away from midnight but you had been in the pool for about an hour and it was probably time to get out before you over pruned. You decided to sit in a chair beside the pool with a towel wrapped around you.

Thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. It'd be nice if you had sunglasses right now just to pretend you were at the beach or something.

You decided alcohol had sounded good at that point so you got up to find some, Tony had to have that stuff stashed everywhere around the tower.

You found it easily, not noticing before that there was a bar in there. Pools and alcohol had never mixed well to you. You were always afraid of getting drunk and not being able to swim your way out of the water.

Right now though you needed a drink, not even caring what it was as long as you got some effect out of it.

Clint came looking for you after about another hour of you being gone. He took in the sight of you and shook his head but didn't say anything, sitting next to you. You passed him a drink slowly, hoping he wouldn't decline. When he didn't you went back to your drink, not entirely drunk yet.

After a moment he pulled your drink away and downed the rest of it in seconds after his own.

“Really?”

“You didn't need it, besides, everyone is looking for you.”

“Why?”

“Okay, i was looking for you but that still counts, and because I don't think you should be alone right now.”

“I don't care what you think.”

“That's because you're slightly tipsy my friend.”

“Did you just come here to shit on my day?”

“Your day was already shit on, hun, with no help from me.”

“What do you want then?”

“I'm here to keep you company, don't want you to hurt yourself.”

“You think i'm going to hurt myself?” You asked maybe too loudly.

“With the way you're acting-”

“How am i acting, Clint? Please tell me since it's so worrisome to you.”

“Calm down, I'm just being prepared.”

“Oh, thank you so much for being prepared to save me from myself.”

“Your sarcasm is on point at least.”

“Can you leave?”

“Will it make you hate me any less right now?”

“No.”

“Then no, sorry.”

“God, just fuck off! Why won't you just fuck off?!” You yelled, hopping down from the stool and making your way to the elevator.

“You know why I can't!” Clint yelled back calmly so you could hear him.

You couldn't see if he was following after you but it didn't matter. You wanted to tell him to piss off again but you knew that your anger wasn't really for him. It was for yourself, it was just easier to push it on others even if they didn't deserve it.

You pushed the elevator button as hard as you could, trying to find Clint's room again so you could pack your things and hide away.

You swung the door to his room closed as hard as you could. You didn't expect to see anyone standing there but of course there was. You could never be left alone.

“What do you want, Loki?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary. I just came here to tell you that you have been a real bitch, my dear.”

“Save your bullshit speech. I'm telling Steve about Bucky and I as soon as he gets back.”

“That's not what i'm going on about.”

“Then what are you? I don't have time for riddles. I need to pack, i probably won't be invited back to the tower anytime soon after tonight.”

“Your assumption is correct. You won't be and with good cause.”

“I know that. Did you come here to rub it in my face because Clint already beat you to the punch.” You said, even though Clint hadn’t.

“On the contrary i came here to wish you luck.”

“You called me a bitch!”

“Yes, due to the way you had just treated, Clint. But i did fully intend to wish you luck. I know what it's like to be banished.”

You sat down on the edge of the bed, a wad of clothes in your hand that you planned to change into when he left.

You had never thought much about Loki or what had happened to him. He wasn't all bad, he had just made some bad decisions. You couldn't damn him for them, especially since you were making your own.

“I'm sorry.”

“Please, i do not require your pity, but you do require mine i see.”

“I don't.”

“No need to play with me, dear. I am more cunning than the likes of you. You are a mere mortal.”

“If this is you wishing me good luck, you suck at it.”

“Perhaps i do.” He said back thoughtfully “nonetheless, that was my intentions and i feel it came across. . . . The entire tower will not condemn you. They didn't me and i have done something much worse than you.”

“You haven't. Ending the world doesn't even match up to breaking Steve's heart.”

“To you maybe not. Everyone's worst is their own worst.”

And that made sense to you. Loki was sometimes mean and off putting but here he was making sense when you couldn't. You appreciated him for that but wasn't about to tell him that. 

“I'll leave you now.”

“Be gone!” You said, feeling instantly dumb after but he smiled at you and snapped his fingers disappearing.

As soon as he had left you made your way to the bathroom realizing you had to pee terribly. You washed your hands when you were done and the water felt so soothing you decided to take a shower as well, letting your bathing suit drop to the floor. You had already got your bandages wet in the pool so the shower wasn't going to ruin anything.

You had forgotten your own shampoo so you used Clint's which smelled a lot like Steve's. They probably bought their stuff in bulk and just shared amongst themselves.

You felt refreshed when you got out, removing your bandages on your arms and replacing them as best you could. That shower was definitely needed. When you walked out of the bathroom steam trailed behind you and you couldn't help but think of those stupid soap operas your mother used to watch.

You had already dressed in your casual sweatpants and baggy t-shirt, feeling strangely accomplished. 

As soon as you had gotten comfortable on the bed you shot right back up just to sit back down, putting your hand to your forehead. You thought you had to go to work, this was one of your normal working shifts and you had forgotten that Steve had explained to you that he had called in a few days before he had told you about his job and gotten you the days off. Your boss was putty in his hands considering he had a son that was a huge fan of the avengers. You idly wondered what Steve had promised your boss if he had promised him anything at all.

You were bored but refused to go looking for Clint so instead you flipped through channel after channel trying to find something appealing. You settled on some show about the rain forest, dozing off.

******  
“I'm going to do it.” Steve said, all confident.

Tony was driving their ‘borrowed’ car as Steve put it and side glanced him.

“Might wanna fill us in on what you're going to be doing because if it's me I'm not game today.” Tony said.

“Notice how he said ‘not game today’, cap, that's an invitation for later.” Natasha said.

“No. I didn't mean- listen. I want to propose to Y/N, properly. I think it's what we need.”

“If you're sure.” Natasha said, making it clear she wasn't going to intervene.

“There isn't a proper way to propose to a girl like that. Just roll her in the hay and she'll never leave your side.” Tony quipped.

“What?”

“What Tony is suggesting is that you just have mind blowing sex with her and she'll be so amazed she wouldn't dream of not saying yes.” Natasha said flatly, already tired of being in close quarters with Tony.

“Exactly!” Tony said, a smirk on his lips.

“Tony! Don't turn this into a joke, she's not- she's, she means alot to me and I don't want to ruin anything. Things have been kind’ve rocky lately but i believe her and i can mend things. I won't go on a job for a while of course-”

“Gonna break in the honeymoon phase, huh?” Tony interrupted slyly.

“No, I'm going to prove to her that my jobs aren't everything to me. She always gets so upset when i have to leave and if i hold back for a while we can talk things through and come to an agreement as well.”

“You seem pretty hopeful to me, almost too hopeful.” Tony said.

“Let him be.” Natasha said, slapping the back of Tony’s head. “Steve, do whatever you want to do, it's your life, not Tony's.”

“I'm gonna do it right when we get back. Can you two cover for me? Make something up for me while i get everything set up then I'll message you to let you know it's all good to go.”

“What do you have to get ready at this time of night? Not much places are open.” Tony said.

“I'll figure it out.” Steve said, making the plans up in his head.

*****

You awoke to Natasha shaking you awake, a small smile on her face. She lead you out of the room still half asleep, not noticing Tony at first when he came up on your other side.

“Where is he?” You yawned, not letting yourself wake up fully yet because you'd panic.

“He stayed back to finish up something small that we forgot. We were all going to stay back but he insisted to do it himself.” Natasha said, matter of factly.

Tony looked at Natasha in a way that made you suspicious. Something seemed off to you.

“So he's not coming back tonight?” You asked a bit down.

“He will be, it's going to take him a little bit longer to get here is all.” Tony assured you.

“okay, well, i have definitely had a long day today and am ready for some sleep. I'll see you two later.” Natasha said, giving you a hug and eyeing Tony then walking off to the elevator to get to her floor.

Tony held his arms out for you, offering you a hug that you probably needed but you put a hand up and walked past him, everyone else must be asleep.

“Hey, i got nothing better to do but annoy you while you wait for him to get back, what do ya say?”

“I'll give you the polite answer.”

“I'm taking that as a yes.” He said, getting out the alcohol.

You shook your head when he offered you some, he smirked at you knowingly and shrugged. He brought the bottle with him as he hopped the back of the couch to sit next to you, lazily throwing his arm over the back of the couch around you.

You sat there for a while talking about random things like why he thought a pool was necessary for the tower and he rambled on about new projects that he was working on. 

He threw down drink after drink, you had commented a few times on him slowing down but he insisted he was fine.

His head was in your lap now, your fingers carding through his hair while he was mumbling things you had given up on trying to decipher.

“Tony, hey, it's time you go to bed."

“He's worried.”

“excuse me?”

“He's worried about you, said things were different.” He said, sitting up.

“They are.”

“He knows the job gets in the way but he doesn't want it to anymore.”

“I'm not going to make him choose.”

“Maybe you should. He'd let you ya’know.”

He was looking you in the eyes as he sat up and ended up spilling the rest of his drink on himself. All you could do is look back and try to hold the tears in.

“He'd do anything for you. Anything. He deserves you.”

“No. He doesn't. I- I've messed up Tony and you know that.”

“Shit, i forgot.” Tony said laughing. “But still. When he looks at you . . . He means it.”

“No you don't understand. Bucky and I, we-”

“Spit it out.” He said, leaning back against the couch heavily.

He looked so tired, there were dark circles under his eyes, and you wanted nothing more than to make sure he was okay but you couldn't because he wouldn't listen to you. He didn't listen to anyone.

You decided it was okay to tell him about you and Bucky continuing what he had walked in on all those months ago. He was drunk anyway, even if he did remember, Tony had never judged you before. Hopefully he wouldn't now.

“I've been talking to Bucky still, we've grown quite close since the last time.”

“Well isn't that a shocker. That's really gonna throw Steve for a loop.”

“I'm going to tell him.” You said, trying to keep your wits about you.

“He'd probably forgive you. You're every-”

“Don't say it, please. I can't do this right now.” You cut him off, getting up off the couch and pacing, trying not to bite your fingernails.

“You want advice? I don't have any to give, i could probably think of something if you want.”

“It's okay. It's just sometimes i try and think back on how this started and i think, if i was truly happy would i have let this happen? I know it sounds selfish.”

“I like to think back too. Sometimes i think about when i first met you. I wished I hadn't, just so i never would have introduced you to Steve. It would've been easier that way.”

“I don't know what your talking about.”

“I don't want to say i'm in love with you because I'd never say that, it's just not me, but i do like you. I have since i first met you.”

“Tony . . .”

“I thought it would be a fleeting thing because it usually is. But it's not passing and i find myself jealous of Steve a lot. But you're not here with me, you're with him and he loves you.” He laughed humorlessly. You could only look back with an apology on your face.

Him being drunk made him more open and he obviously had these things on his mind, he was usually a fun drunk. You sat back down next to him, giving him your undivided attention.

“I know you could never feel the same about me, which is okay, there's plenty fish in the sea right? I thought I'd mention it while i was here and you were here because I couldn't keep that a secret anymore."

“Tony, you know you're worth it though right? You'll find someone, maybe even Pepper will give you another chance.”

“Pffft, let's be honest. The only thing I'm worth to people is fame and my good looks.”

“Are you trying to call yourself the ultimate trophy husband or something?”

“Yes. That's me.”

“Don't start with me, Stark. You're worth so much more than that. Trust me.”

“I want to, baby, but i only trust myself.”

“Ya’know if you let someone in over that wall of yours, i bet you could trust them.”

“Not you, you're not mine to let in.”

“I'm your friend, Tony, and i care about you. Isn't that enough?”

“It will have to be won't it? Unless you wanna kiss me right now and we can pretend it never happened.” He said, bringing his sarcasm back at a pace you found hard to keep up with.

“Don't make this harder than it already is- and don't you dare say ‘that's what she said’!”

“If I didn't know any better I'd think you were flirting with me.” 

“Well i do know better and i can garuntee that I'm not. You're a mess.”

“I'm always a mess.”

“Agree to disagree on that one.”

“Why can't you just hate me? It would be a lot easier.”

“Hate you for what now exactly, Mr. Stark?”

“I don't know, for staring at your ass all the time, for secretly wishing you would leave Steve for me, for being an ass 90% of the time, the list goes on really.”

“I forgive you for all of that, plus you're just being you. Your ego doesn't bother me, Tony.”

“Do you remember when we first started hanging out and you were so suspicious i was just trying to get into your pants so i told you that I wasn't?”

“Faintly, yes. Why?”

“Because i totally was.” He started laughing uncontrollably like he had just told the worlds funniest joke. You had to admit it was a bit funny.

“I do miss those days. It was just me without worrying about who i was going to hurt.”

“Yeah, i think about it on occasion.”

He leaned against you, you awkwardly put your hand on his face, pulling him closer to you.

“Don't even think about it, i just want a hug Tony.”

“Why?”

“Because i think we both need one.” You said as clearly as you could through the tears.

He looked up at you, into your eyes, and saw the pain there. He didn't fully understand the depth of your emotion and he didn't have to.

He smiled lazily at you and wrapped his arms around you tightly. You looked past his shoulder letting the tears escape freely now. He was drunk and he couldn't understand what this meant to you but you wanted him to so badly. You wanted him to know that this night was going to be a turning point in your life and that he was a part of it and no matter what he said, he meant a lot to you and you felt bad that your worlds hadn't collided like he had wanted them to. It just wasn't meant to be.

You wanted him aware in this moment because this was a Tony not many people got the privilege of knowing. This was a soft, good, Tony who was drunk off his ass but that's why he was so warm. He was out in the open, not caring who saw him as he was for once. You felt privileged that it was you he allowed the chance to see him.

“You're crying.” He whispered, still holding onto you and you him.

“That's something people do, Tony.” You whispered back with a shaky voice.

“I know, but . . .”

“But what?” You whispered.

“But I've never heard you cry before.”

“Now you have.”

“I'm going to pretend it's over me.”

You laughed against him, lifting a hand to wipe your tears. You let him go and leaned back. Who would've thought the great Tony Stark could fall for anyone, of all people you.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket. You pulled your phone out and looked at the screen. It was Steve asking you to meet him in the park even though it was 2 a.m.

“What is it?” Tony asked. 

You were impressed that he hadn't slurred his words yet.

“It's Steve. He wants me to meet him at the park, it seems kind've late for that.” You said, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“You should go.”

“He could just come here.”

“But he wants you to go there.”

“Okay, okay. I'll go.” You said, knowing this was going to be your time to tell Steve the truth.

You got up and went to Clint's room, zipping in there to change into jeans and a sweater. When you got back to the elevator you stood there, contemplating on finding Bucky before you left. This was it and you were panicking because bringing Bucky could go two ways but you didn't want to be alone but this was between you and Steve at the same time. You settled with texting him, hoping he was there to read it. Him showing up or not was up to him.

Tony let you borrow one of his cars, insisting you take the red one. They all went a little too fast for you but you handled it as best you could, making it to the park in twenty minutes.

The cold air nipped at you when you stepped out of the car, you could see your breath and you silently wished you had packed yourself some gloves. You walked a little ways into the park, soon seeing Steve sitting on a bench. 

You wanted time to stop, you wanted to run away, you wanted to be doing anything other than what you were about to do.

He turned his head, looking in your direction and when he spotted you a smile spread across his face. You looked down as you met him halfway. He wrapped his arms around you comfortingly and breathed you in, burying his face in your hair but you didn't hug him back. Your bravery to tell him was wavering.

“I missed you so much, darling.” He breathed out. “I know things have been difficult but i promise things will be different.”

“Steve, I-”

“Please, before you say anything, just listen to me.” He said, letting you go and leading you to the bench by your hand. “I wasn't finishing up the mission. I was here, thinking about you and how i could possibly tell you that I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before. Everything about you brightens up my life, from your smile to the way you feel about the earth. You are extraordinary to me and I don't think I'll ever be able to get enough of being around you.”

“Oh, Steve . . .” Tears were filling your eyes to the brim as the two of you stood by the bench. You had to tell him. You had to.

He smiled at you again, his hands wrapped around yours.

“I'm crazy about you Y/N. I really truly am and that's why i wanted to ask you if you would do me the tremendous honor of-”

He was getting down on one knee and reaching into his pocket and suddenly the world stopped spinning. It was just you and him and you had never seen so clearly what you were about to give up, who you were about to let down. You just kept on breaking his heart.

“I've been cheating on you with Bucky!” You blurted out, instantly putting your hands over your mouth as soon as the words were out, looking down at Steve, with wide eyes, who had frozen in place. 

“What?”

“Don't make me say it again please.”

Both of his knees hit the cement in front of you. All you could do was stand there like an idiot and try not to cry, you didn't deserve to. His expression turned to the type of hurt you had never wanted to see cross his face.

“I'm sorry, it just happened. One minute it was you then it was him and I couldn't bring myself to tell you and -”

“How long?” He whispered.

“Five months, but Steve, you’ve got to know that i love you. I love you so much and i never wanted to hurt anyone! I wish that i could take it all back, i wish that i had never met you so that I couldn't do this to you. I'm so sorry.” You sobbed out.

He was crying silently, resting his back on the end of the bench, refusing to look at you. He held his head in his hands, blocking the world out, feeling everything you had just told him. He didn't speak up so you continued.

“But things change, I changed, Steve, and i let this go on too long, i did this to us and I don't expect you to forgive me.”

“I thought we had something.” He whispered.

“We did! It just got lost along the way, i got lost.”

“Five months.” He whispered to himself, wondering where he had been all that time and wondering how Bucky could do something like this to him.

He looked up at you with sad eyes. You thought that he would be angry at you or disgusted but this hurt worse. You had destroyed his world by yourself and you would always be responsible for that.

“It's not what you think. We- we talked over the phone a lot, just about each other's days, things like that. He was there for me when you were away. . . . Five months ago he had kissed me-”

“Don't, don't explain it to me. I don't need to hear that.”

“Steve. . .”

And what else could you say, there was nothing that could make this better. 

There was a question on the tip of his tongue that he didn't want you to answer for fear of what it would do to him but he asked anyway.

“Did you sleep with him?”

“No. No, I promise.”

He looked up at you and saw that you were telling the truth. He picked himself up and sat on the bench. You didn't know what you should do. You didn't want to look at him anymore, you didn't want to see how red his eyes were from crying, you didn't want to see how utterly broken he looked, you wanted to take it all back.

“I . . . I don't know what to say.”

“You hate me, that's fine-”

“I don't hate you. I want to but I can't . . . I'm hurt.”

“I'm sorry.”

He sniffled a bit and looked at you once more, you had to look away. He rubbed his hand over his face and let out an exasperated sigh.

“I think it would be best if you left. Now.”

You nodded, feeling the lump in your throat. You started sobbing again, turning away from him without a goodbye, trying not to run to where you had parked. You locked yourself away in the car, happy for once that the windows were almost black so he couldn't see you completely break. He had never been this cold and you weren't prepared for that.

You sped off to the tower to collect your things and go home, knowing it was the last time you'd step foot in there.

*****  
Bucky had showed up just in time to see you walk away with tears falling from your eyes. He stood in the shadows for ten minutes before he let himself be seen.

“Steve?” Bucky said, walking out of the shadows.

“Don't talk to me.” Steve said angrily, not looking in Bucky's direction. “Don't you tell me you're sorry. I thought you of all people- you were my best friend Bucky.”

“I didn't know at first, that you two were together. You never told me, she didn't either and by the time i knew, it was too late.” Bucky spoke evenly, calmly.

“That doesn't make me feel better.”

“It wasn't supposed to.” 

“Do you love her?” Steve asked quietly. Staring blankly ahead.

“I do.”

Steve was quiet, letting what had just happened sink in. He was angry, so angry at Bucky and he was hurt by both of you.

One minute he was sitting there and the next minute he was swinging at Bucky, his fist connecting with Bucky's jaw as they both went down. Bucky didn't even try to fight back and that pissed Steve off more than anything.

Bucky pushed Steve off of him after Steve seemed to be out of anger to fuel his rage. He wiped his nose, feeling the blood trail down his lips and onto his shirt.

Steve had gotten a few good punches in there Bucky admitted to himself, knowing he would be feeling them for the next few weeks. 

He sat there silently, letting Steve have his fit of rage and sadness.

“This is it isn't it.”

“I don't see how it couldn't be.” Steve said back, anger still laced into his tone.

“Don't you love her enough to let her go?” Bucky asked.

“Don't you?!” Steve said outstretched onto the cement.

“Yes. I told her as much. I saw how much it was hurting her to let you go. You mean a great deal to her.”

“This isn't about that. She was- you both were seeing each other behind my back, no matter how little it was at first to the both of you, whether it started out emotionally or not.”

“Don't hate her for falling out of love with you. Don't blame her for being human.”

“Who do i blame then?”

“You can blame me. I fucked up here. I betrayed you. I'll never forgive myself for doing this to you but i love her, Steve. I'm sorry though, i will always be sorry because you deserve better. . . . You can tell me to fuck off if you want. I'm trying to read your expression and that seems to be what you want to say.”

“I'm just gonna leave, i need some time.”

Bucky felt like it wasn't just time. This was as close to a break up as they were ever going to get. Who knew when he would be next to Steve again in a friendly manner. Who knew if Steve would ever be ready to forgive him. Bucky felt Steve closing himself off from him but he had made his bed, he would have to lay in it.

Bucky sat in the park for hours after that, wondering what Steve was thinking and what would come next for all of you.


	11. THREE MONTHS LATER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader finds out Steve is in trouble.

You had been invited back to the tower numerous times within the last three months by Tony and Clint and Bruce, even Natasha, but had always declined the offer. You didn't want to run into Steve and make him uncomfortable.

They instead showed up at your place, usually unannounced, Bucky practically lived at your place now. Everything had seemed to slowly move behind the three of you. You and Bucky never talked about Steve and well, if he talked about you, you would never know.

You were cooking scrambled eggs for Bucky while he dutifully read the paper, without a shirt on, at your small kitchen table like he actually enjoyed it.

“Don't burn them, sweetheart.”

“I've only done that once, and i told you if you hadn't distracted me maybe just maybe those eggs would have been salvageable.”

“But imagine how bored you would be if I didn't distract you.” He said, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist, paper forgotten. You turned your head to give him a kiss which he eagerly accepted.

You turned around in his arms to face him, hands traveling up into his hair as the kiss became more passionate. His hands traveled down your sides and under your shirt as he lifted you up and moved you to the counter, knocking off various things.

“You gonna take your clothes off or what?” He asked you as he kissed your neck.

“I thought you said not to burn the eggs.” You laughed, wrapping your legs around him.

“Fuck the eggs.” He said, His lips finding yours again as he lifted your shirt above your head just to throw it to the ground.

You reached down to his belt, undoing the loops as swiftly as you could. Your hands stopped their work when you heard your front door swing open. 

“Surprise!” Clint yelled, peaking in with a cake in his hands. As soon as he saw the scene before him he covered his eyes with his hand that wasn't balancing the cake and turned away, waving his hand for everyone else to stand back. Bucky shielded you with his body so no one else could get a peek at you shirtless, he knew you would get embarrassed. You saw Tony try to get around Natasha a few times, thank god you had worn a bra that day.

It was your birthday and of course your friends wouldn't let you go the day without reminding you. You had asked Bucky not to get you anything and pretend like nothing was going on. He agreed, not questioning you in the slightest.

You hopped off the counter, turning off the stove, your cheeks turning red in embarrassment. Bucky handed your shirt to you and made his way to the living room where everyone else was with the cake and balloons and streamers.

You situated yourself as best you could and walked into the room, a smile on your face.

“You guys remembered even though i told you not to.” You said through gritted teeth.

“Of course, only the best for my annoying little sister!” Clint said, punching you in the arm lightly.

“So are we not gonna talk about how Y/N and Bucky were going at it in the kitchen because. . .” Tony trailed off.

“No!” Clint and Natasha said in unison, silencing Tony.

Even Bruce was there, sitting in the background by himself. He gave you a wave and looked down at his soda that someone placed in his hand. Everyone was socializing good on their own so you made your way to Bruce, plopping down next to him.

“Long time no see, doctor.”

“I invited you over multiple times.”

“So did i.”

“Tit for tat?”

“Okay, okay.”

“To be clear this wasn't my idea.”

“It wasn't? You were the first suspect on my list!”

“It was Tony, but I didn't tell you.”

You nodded your agreement, looking at him seriously.

“So, um, did he decide not to show? How is he?”

“He's doing as well as he can be. Hasn't talked to us hardly. I invited him to come along and he said he felt too sick to come out.”

“But Steve doesn't get sick because of the serum.”

“I know.”

“Ouch.”

“You knew this was going to happen.” Bruce said, his voice a mix of calm and understanding.

“I know, i know. I just hoped is all.”

“I get it. You seem happy with Bucky though.”

“I am.” You said positively, looking at Bucky adoringly. Your smile fell after a minute.

“It's okay to still feel sad over what happened.” Bruce said, voice quiet.

“I just wish he'd get over it and be here, or at least be angry and not over it and still be here to talk it out. He didn't necessarily say much to me when i told him.”

“He talked to me once about it.”

“What did he say?” You sounded a bit too hopeful but Bruce didn't call you on it.

“I don't think you want me to tell you.” He said, placing a hand on yours comfortingly.

“Oh. Is it that bad?”

“Possibly, but it was worse when he found out some of us knew.”

“But you didn't really know until a day before.”

“Yes, well, Tony had known since the beginning. He let it slip when he tried his hand at comforting Steve.”

“I'm surprised you are all still here, especially after everything I've done.”

“You can't get rid of us that easily. Of course you've made mistakes but you're like family and we love you as much as we love Steve.”

“Hey! Birthday girl!” Tony said loudly, handing you a drink and putting his arm around your neck. “Time to blow out the candles!”

Bruce gave you a departing smile and got up, leaving you with Tony but joining the others surrounding you. You looked around for Bucky and found him talking with Clint, both on their way over.

Tony took the cake from Natasha and sat it in front of you then placed a birthday hat on you as well. You sighed in defeat.

The cake was a joke in itself, it looked very homemade. It was uneven and the frosting looked like it was melted then dumped on. It definitely wasn't spread on. It was the thought that counted.

“Sam made the cake.” Clint said cheerfully.

"Mmm, chocolate" sam said, wiggling his shoulders and speaking in a terrible spanish accent.

“Hey, why are there only three candles on the cake?” You asked.

“Oh, that's because we wanted to correctly represent your age.” Clint said, trying to hold back his laugh like Sam and Tony were.

“God, let's just get this over with.” You laughed.

Natasha lit the candles and backed away with a smirk. You looked around at everyone and they all looked genuinely happy to be there, celebrating your birthday. Everyone you loved was there, except for one person.

You tried to keep the smile on your face as you blew out the three candles, looking around at the family that was never meant to be yours.

Maybe it wasn't your place to try and force Steve to forgive you or get along with you when it was convenient for you. Maybe it wasn't your call if he stayed mad or got over it. You had to accept that and move on with your life. Everyone else had it seemed, maybe even Steve too.

You wondered if it would bother Bucky that you still thought about Steve often, and that on some nights, when you were alone, all you could do was cry and replay in your head the night you had told him.

You didn't know if you were being fair or selfish, you didn't know if Bucky would mind you being either but you wanted desperately to repair your relationship with Steve. You didn't want to lose him forever. 

A small part of you had believed that Steve would get over it soon and remain your friend but that didn't seem to be happening and that small part of you was so naïve to think such things.

“I'll cut the cake!” Clint said, leaping forward.

The next thing you knew your face was being smashed into the awfully put together cake. You heard everyone erupt in laughter. You dropped your arms to the ground after flipping Clint off, not having the energy to pull your face out of the cake yet.

After everyone had calmed down you felt hands on you, lifting you out of the mess. It was Bucky smiling down at you. You grimaced at him, you're whole face was a frosting mess.

“Clint got me my first birthday at the tower.” Bucky explained.

“I only did that to kick your ass without actually kicking your ass.” Clint shot back, lounging on the couch.

“Well, i need to go clean up now so i hope you have fun dealing with these animals.” You said to Bucky.

Once you were in your room alone you threw yourself back onto your bed, not giving a single fuck if frosting got onto your sheets. You hated your birthday but you appreciated your friends all coming together for you with a surprise party. They had probably planned it in the tower and made the cake there too. 

Steve wasn't one to forget birthdays either so he probably guessed at what they were up to. You knew this breakup was going to hurt but you didn't know it was going to be this bad. You didn't know that you would go three months without a single word from him. Three months without anything. 

You were being silly, this whole thing was silly. You knew you should be out there having the time of your life with the people who made up your life but every time you tried you thought of what Steve might be doing now and if he was okay.

You heard a soft knock on your door before it opened. You turned your head to see Bucky peaking in, a small look of pity on the set of his lips. You closed your eyes not saying anything, turning your face back to the ceiling.

You felt the bed dip next to you and you wanted to turn over on your side away from him but decided you didn't really want frosting on your sheets.

You both were there in silence, you could feel his gaze on your face but refused to acknowledge it because if you did then he'd ask you what was wrong and you'd inevitably have to tell him.

You felt something cold and wet against your face which startled your eyes open in surprise. Bucky was wiping the frosting off your face with a wet wash cloth, deliberately being as gentle as possible.

He didn't speak and you were grateful for that but now that your eyes were open and on his you couldn't look away. It was like you two were having a silent conversation.

He was almost done wiping off the frosting when you spoke up.

“I can do that myself ya’know.”

“yes, well, I've already done it for you.”

“We should get back out there, huh?”

“I'm afraid so, sweetheart. Can't leave the party when you're the reason for the party.”

“Why not? Tony has before.”

“You're a little bit better than Tony, that's why not.”

“Just a little bit?” You asked, rising up on your elbows.

He smiled and kissed your forehead, slipping his hand into yours and pulling you to your feet, allowing you to fall into him and steady yourself.

“Let's party.” You said as enthusiastically as you could manage, kissing him on the lips lightly.

The remaining time of your small get together had gone without a hitch, the cake was still eaten, you had opened the presents they had gotten you, which consisted of mainly gift cards, fake vomit from Clint to remind you that you made him sick. That didn't get a laugh from you, it was a terrible joke.

You had had a long day, Bucky had left with the rest of your friends and had promised to be back in a few. You decided to sit on your couch and read.

In this moment it was boring and a bit tedious but you couldn't think of anything else to do.

The book wasn't terribly entertaining and you felt yourself beginning to doze off when your phone rang. You answered it without checking who it was.

“Hello?”

“We need to talk.”

“Nat?”

“Were you sleeping?”

“No, i was, uh, reading. Boring story, anyway though, what's up?”

“It's about Steve.”

“What about Steve?” You said briskly.

“He's not doing so well.”

“There's nothing i can do about that.”

“He's being careless during missions, Y/N. You know I wouldn't have called about him unless it was important. I didn't want to bring it up at your birthday party in front of everyone. . . He's going to get himself seriously hurt, or killed.”

“What can i do about that? He never wants to see me again. He told me to leave so i did. I left and he hasn't even spoken to me since then.”

“You leaving him didn't save you from anything. You still care about him. You need to be here and we all know he won't go to you so you'll just have to come to him.”

“I can't.”

“I'm not asking you to do anything you haven't already thought about doing.”

“I'm sorry, I can't. Maybe Bucky -”

“Please.”

She had never begged you like that before. She had never sounded so desperate. It hurt, your eyes started watering but you had to hold your ground. You had to try and let Steve go, even if it wasn't the right thing to do.

“Bucky still cares.” You opted with ignoring her ‘please’, trying to regain yourself.

“We know. You're the best shot we have, not me, not Tony, not Bucky but you.”

“I shouldn't have to look out for him.”

“This doesn't even sound like you. Do you care at all?”

“I don't have the luxury to care, Nat.”

“Well, i see.”

“I'm so sorry.”

“No, i am, because if you don't help-”

“Nat, don't do this! Don't give me an ultimatum or demand me to do something, I'm trying to let him go! I won't help!”

“You don't have the luxury to help him? I don't have the luxury to be your friend.” Nat said coldly.

“Nat-”

You looked at your phone in shock. She had hung up on you. She had chosen him over you and she always would. You didn't hold it against her, she was his friend first but you couldn't help feel the sting of it. She had slapped you in the face and you had no other choice but to let her.

You weren't in the wrong though, at least you thought you weren't but your thoughts were waivering. You held the phone in your grasp tightly, rocking back and forth slightly, trying to tell yourself you were doing the right thing.

You were killing him and you couldn't find a way to stop.

It was a few more hours before Bucky had come back. You had decided to take a bath thirty minutes before he had shown up to calm yourself. He had knocked on the door and was concerned when your voice was monotone. You didn't allow him in because you were afraid of him seeing the look on your face so soon. He didn't need to be bothered by this.

When you got out you dressed yourself quickly, leaving your hair damp. He was sitting on the couch in the living room when you found him. His hands clasped together, a look of concentration on his face.

You leaned against the wall, watching him. You watched the way his hair fell into his face in dire need of a haircut, the way his eyelashes brushed his cheeks; the way his lips were slightly pouted because of worry. 

Your stomach did those flips like, before, when you were with Steve. They made you feel hollow but whole at the same time. He looked up, feeling the weight of someone's gaze on him, and his blue eyes made you sad. His eyes weren't the same Blue as Steve's eyes but they were close enough to make you think about what Nat had told you.

“Come here, sweetheart.” He said quietly, extending his hand out to you.

You hesitated by the wall. You didn't want to face him, didn't want to tell him that his ex best friend wasn't doing so well and that it was your fault. He nodded in encouragement but was giving you the option to walk away. 

You walked forward, letting him put his hand around yours and pull you onto him. You crashed into his chest as he fell back onto the couch with you in his arms. You wrapped your arms around him, clinging to him while he held you. You squeezed your eyes shut to try and stop the tears. The smell of his shirt comforted you a bit. You pulled yourself closer to him, resting your head on his collar bone, breathing in the sent of him.

Bucky hugged you tighter, smoothing back your damp hair with his hand. Somehow he always knew what you needed from him and he gave it effortlessly.

You realized you hated him for giving you options when you needed them. You hated him for holding you responsible for your own messes and setting you straight when you needed those things too. You hated him for making you fall in love with him. 

It was the kind of love that you confused for hate. Because when someone gives you everything you need, you suddenly hate what you have in the most loving of ways. You loved him to the point that your hatred was love because you could never hate him so strongly but oh could you love him so fiercely. The same way Steve had loved you.

“Nat called.” You said shakily.

“Did she?” 

“She's mad at me.”

“What's she mad about?She means well ya’know. She's just, she's been through a lot.”

“She asked me to talk to Steve, he's doing bad.” You whispered

“Ah.” Bucky said quietly, still holding you.

You could hear the sound of his heartbeat and feel the vibrations from him talking. You wanted to be closer to him, to feel him around you every way imaginable to distract you from the pain, to comfort you, to silence your guilt.

“I said I couldn't talk to him. I mean, i said i wouldn't.”

“I think you should. He needs help. He loves you and , and you . . . Still love him.”

“Bucky-”

“Listen to me. Steve is still my best friend. I don't want to see him suffering. If you can help him, if you want to then do. I'm not going to hold you back, I don't want you to feel like I'm doing that. I want you to do what's best for you.”

“I don't know about it.”

“Do you want to go talk to him?”

“Yes.” You said reluctantly, not wanting to admit it to yourself.

“Then do it, for me.”

You nodded against his chest, feeling the comfort of him. You wanted more, you always wanted more and you hoped that you would never stop wanting more of him. 

He was your safe place, he was home. He was everything you needed when you needed and he was nothing when you needed nothing. He was good like that.

But it made you feel bad because you knew the reason he was like that. It was because of Hydra. You didn't want to bring it up because you didn't want to hurt him or make him think of things he was trying to leave behind. 

You wanted to understand him and know everything about him but you didn't want to change him. You didn't want to seem like you were forcing him to be someone he wasn't. You didn't want him to feel like he wasn't good enough for you because since the beginning he was more.

You were laying there for a while, making yourself cozy against him. After a while his breathing evened out and you knew he was asleep. 

You hadn't moved an inch in hours, not wanting to wake him up but also dozing off here and there yourself. You were lazily tracing the rivets of his metal arm, touching your fingertips to his metal ones, and repeating, trying to think of moments before him and the avengers; it was all too easy. 

Before you had met the avengers you hadn't been doing much, well not much if someone had asked your mother. You were trying to make a name for yourself, bring yourself up to a status that made you some type of royalty. You were smart and thought quickly on your feet. 

You thought maybe if you had applied at Stark industries that you could work your way up and show them the potential you had, eventually making it up to the big boss himself. 

You had wanted to be known for so much more than you were before them. When you were with Steve you were known as his girlfriend. People didn't even care to know your name but they did care to smash you in the tabloids, calling you ‘plain jane’ amongst other horrible things.

You had dreamed for the stars. You had never reached high enough to touch them, telling yourself Steve was the stars, even if no one knew your name. You had let your dreams go because he became them, but your dream turned black and white and that wasn't enough anymore. You had to dream in color.

You thought idly as you fell back asleep that you didn't know if you were okay with never fully reaching those stars.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than all of my others but i hope this is just as good. It was hard finding a way to wrap up this fic but i hope its decent enough!
> 
> Let me know your thoughts in the comments, if you loved it or hated it or how you wished it had ended or if it had ended brilliantly.
> 
> Remember kudos and reviews are love!
> 
> Xoxoxo

it was two days later and you still hadn't talked to Steve. You were trying to work up the nerve, rehearsing what you would say, and second guessing yourself. Bucky encouraged you as much as he could, debating on going himself but knowing it wouldn't do much good. Steve had always listened to you and he knew that. 

You didn't know how long you could stay in your apartment, playing house with Bucky, while you knew Steve wasn't taking care of himself because of you. You didn't want him to get hurt but you couldn't quite push yourself to go. You thought of making a phone call but he'd never pick up, and if he did as soon as he found out it was you he would've probably hung up. 

You were laying on your stomach on your bed, ankles crossed, a pen to your lips, writing down things you wanted to say to Steve. These things wouldn't make anything better but you had to try. 

You were beyond exhausted, just having come back from work and skipping the shower you had wanted to take. It didn't matter that Bucky had requested you stop overworking yourself, you had to. To get things accomplished.

You looked at your watch and it was noon. Steve would be eating lunch at this time. He'd be on the fifth floor, eating alongside Natasha and Bruce who all ate at that time on the dot. You could leave now and catch him but just barely. Or you could go in an hour and catch him on his second jog of the day. 

You opted for now, getting up and grabbing your keys from off the dresser, forgetting you list of things you wanted to tell him. Better to get this over with and done. You quickly left a note for Bucky if he wandered by while you were gone and prayed to God this attempt didn't go to shit.

You were now standing in front of the towers main doors. Looking up at the huge building feeling like it could swallow you whole. You didn't know if you could walk right in or if you'd have to state your identity and wait for a confirmation or denial. 

You walked up slowly, backing away a few times but reminding yourself that you had to do this.

“Identify yourself.” you heard Jarvis say.

“It's me, Y/N.”

You stood still, as the scanner went over your body, scanning you for who knows what, they had never clarified that for you.

“Yes, miss Y/N, welcome home.”

You laughed at that slightly, the tower really had been your home. You opened the door walking in past the empty reception desk. You had no idea why Tony had put that in considering 90% of the time it was empty. He said it was for a secretary, so files and walk-ins could be managed appropriately but anyone they had gotten for the position couldn't stay professional because for some reason Tony always tried to pick his type of girl and that had never ended well.

You got into the elevator, taking a deep breath as the doors closed on you, trapping you. You counted until you had reached the fifth floor so you wouldn't start panicking. 

The doors slid open swiftly, giving you a view of the room, and of everyone in it. You spied Steve out easily, only walking far enough to step out of the elevator. He was sitting there with Nat and Bruce but seemed in a world all his own, picking through his food but not really eating it.

Nat looked up and saw you, surprise on her face. You had forgotten to call her. She nudged Bruce making him look up at you then at Steve. Steve wasn't paying any attention to them as they left the room quietly, Nat patting Steve's shoulder before she left and giving you a silent nod of thanks.

You tried to be confident walking forward, trying to remember all the things you had wanted to say but coming up blank. You were steps away from the counter he was at when you spoke.

“St-eve?”

He snapped his attention towards you, face going white then rosey pink in a matter of seconds. He stood up, backing away slightly before he looked into your eyes and stopped cold.

He whispered your name under his breath, he was torn between wanting to hug you but also wanting to run from you. The shock had him standing like a statue, unable to move.

You twisted your fingers with your other hand, smiling meekly at him. 

“Steve, baby-”

“Don't call me that, just please, don't.”

“Okay. I- I won't. . . . Can we talk?”

“About?”

“I hear you're being careless on missions.”

“Yeah, well, it's not like you care.”

“Don't be like that, i'm begging you, please, it's been three months, Steve.”

“I know.”

He had never been so cold to you. He looked at you with a mix of emotions but the most prominent one was fear.

“You need to take care of yourself. People need you, they rely on you, you- you're important to your friends and they don't want to see you like this. I don't want to see you like this.”

He didn't respond, just stood in the same spot, trying to look away from you but failing each time.

“I know what happened between us was terrible but it's been three months and i'm not asking you to get over it, im just, im asking you to forgive me and Bucky. He loves you so much, Steve, he misses you. I miss you. I want to be around you again, i want you in my life because i love you and I can't lose you completely. Please.” You said, the tears streaming down effortlessly. He was beginning to blur in your vision but you could tell tears were slipping from his eyes as well.

“That doesn't change what you did.” He said quietly.

“I don't want it to because I'm not going to hide from what i did but you have to know how sorry i am, you have to know that I didn't mean to fall in love with someone else.” You said feebly.

“That someone else was my best friend. He was all I had and then I had you too. He, he took you away from me and you let him.”

“That doesn't mean I don't love you!”

“No, it just means you love me less.”

“I don't, don't you dare say i love you less. I love you just as much but in a different way.”

“How could things change so fast? One minute you were happy with me, the next you weren't.” He said, seeming months away. “I used to hold you all the time and think that you could stop the mess inside my head, i used to kiss you and know that you were the one i wanted forever with.”

“Steve, I don't know what i can say that will make any of this better. What do i do?"

“I'm still upset but i'm not mad anymore. I shouldn't deny you and Bucky the right to love each other. It's selfish of me, i know, but I feel the loss of you everyday. I don't think i could be around the two of you together for a while.”

“We can talk about that later, okay? I'm here for you. I came here for you because i care about you. I came here for you because you're important to me and i need to know you'll be okay and that you'll stop being careless during missions. Promise me you'll be careful, I'll do anything if you'll just promise me and mean it.”

“I missed your birthday.” He said off topic, moving a little bit forward. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't change the subject, Steve. I'm serious.”

“I didn't even get you a present.”

“If you're worried about getting me a present, you promising to be careful during missions will do just fine.”

He cracked a faint smile, barely there, tears still falling. Your tears were still falling as well, you wanted to run forward like a child and wrap your arms around him.

“Okay. I think i can do that.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.” He said , still looking you in the eyes. “I forgive you too ya’know. I do. But it'll be a while before we can- before things- before i can. I still need time.”

“Whatever you need.” You said back breathlessly.

“I need you here with me, it's been hell without you.”

“You were so mad before. I thought you'd never want to see me again.” You mumbled truthfully.

“I thought I didn't. I was confused, I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. I was going to marry you, i was planning the rest of my life and it all got torn away so easily, but Bucky said something to me, the night you told me about you and him, that stuck with me. He had asked me if i loved you enough to let you go and i thought about that a lot. I thought about it and i realized that i do love you enough to let you go. But not completely."

You were speechless. This coming from Steve made it seem like a new chapter was about to begin. You never thought he'd forgive you or Bucky, you never thought he'd smile at you again.

He crossed his arms, debating with himself, opening his mouth to say something but closing it just as fast, looking at you with a type of desperate want that you couldn't place. He spoke up after a while.

“Would it be out of line to ask you for a hug?” He asked timidly.

“Of course not.” You said, allowing yourself to walk forward and wrap your arms around him as best you could. He held you tight, burying his face in your hair like he always did. You felt him start to sob in your hold but there was nothing you could do but hug him back.

“I love you.” He said, trying to force his voice to stay steady. “I always will, darling.”

You stayed there in his arms for what seemed like a lifetime. He was trying to cherish the moment, trying to pretend things were normal and nothing had happened so he could love you without the knowledge that you loved someone else. 

You felt for him because you knew what he was going through, you wanted to make things okay, you wanted to heal him but all you could give him was part of yourself and that might not be enough because he was used to getting all of you and that's what he craved.

He knew what was done was done and all he could do was move forward from it, try to piece things back together. He realized he didn't want you out of his life completely nor did he Bucky so he gradually did what he could to make an effort in seeing the two of you whenever he could. He liked one on one time better but he wasn't greedy and would take what he could get, realizing that he'd never get past losing you the way he did but realizing he could've possibly gained a better side of you.

You were thankful for the turn around no matter how long it took Steve to be completely comfortable in both yours and Bucky's presence, no matter how long it took for Steve to stop looking at you with those sad eyes that made you regret being born, no matter how long Steve was distant in moments.

It was odd having Steve and Bucky both in your apartment with you months later after things had gotten easier. Steve was cooking, well trying to, he had just learned a new recipe he had said. Bucky was sitting on the kitchen floor next to you, playing with the puppy Steve and Bucky both had had a hand in picking out for you.

The puppy was the cutest little dog that was supposed to grow into something much bigger than any normal dog you had seen. If you recalled correctly Steve had said it was an English Mastiff. A dog that when older, could help protect you and also be your best friend.

You decided to name the puppy Sabbath, the name seemed to fit her, Bucky and Steve agreed.

You were happy, having both of your boys with you, things not completely past you all but enough to where you could all be together like this in the same room and genuinely enjoy each others company.

You looked up at Bucky, smiling at him adoringly while he played with the puppy right beside you.

“I'm glad we're all here.” You said to him.

“Me too, sweetheart.” He said back, his attention captured by the puppy but putting an arm around you.

You snuggled closer to him, feeling completely whole. 

“You feeling okay with that job Tony gave you?” Steve asked, looking at you concerned.

“Oh, yeah.” You said, waving your hand through the air. “Being a receptionist is going to be a cakewalk for me. I should warn you though, that i know all of your schedules so if a fan wants to come up and meet you guys then they just might be able to.”

“I won't mind, it'll probably annoy Tony so go for it.”

“You know you guys don't really need me there, Jarvis can take care of everything i'm going to be paid to do.”

“Maybe that's true, but you'll be in the building almost every day, we'll all get to see you.” Steve said.

“And make fun of you.” Bucky butted in.

“Oh god, I'm not gonna wear a power suit or anything. What you see is what you get.” You said putting your hand over your eyes.

They stayed silent for a moment. It was oddly suspicious to you because after things seemed to go back to normal slowly the both of them couldn't shut up.

“You wanna ask her?” Bucky said to Steve, standing up with the puppy in his arms.

That got your attention. Steve looked at Bucky knowingly and nodded.

“Ask me what?” You said curiously, standing up as well.

“Well, we were going to wait till tomorrow but now is as good a time as any.”

“You'll love it.” Bucky said, kissing your forehead quickly.

“Bucky and I, and the entire Avengers team thought it would be better if our newest team member reside in the tower, to keep the tradition going, even if you're not going on missions with us.”

“What? I'm, I'm just the receptionist.”

“No, you're family.” Steve said, hugging you briefly.

“Are you all sure, i mean?”

“Yes.” Steve chuckled.

“I've already got a few of your things packed and ready to go, you're going to be on the same floor as Steve and i.” Bucky said.

“Really!?” You said, feeling the excitement of being part of the team and moving in. 

They both nodded, smiling at you, enjoying your pure joy. You jumped up and down hugging them both, kissing Steve on the cheek. This was your family, no matter how dysfunctional, you would always find a way back to each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay i love Steve with all of my heart and i never thought i would write a fic like this but here it is, complete!


End file.
